Fantasizing is a normal and healthy way to explore your sexuality and imagine things that might be impossible in real life. Some people experience feelings of guilt when they are carried away by fantasy. Others worry that they are not creative enough to have intense fantasies, and may feel that they are boring or bland. But anyone has the ability to have fantasies, and it turns out that there is nothing wrong with imagining what you and that cute girl who makes the coffee could do if you spent some time together and alone.
Part 1 of 3: Getting comfortable with fantasizing
Step 1. Remember that fantasizing about something and doing it are two very different things
Does fantasizing about someone who is not your partner mean that you are going to be unfaithful? Does fantasizing about someone of the same sex mean that you are homosexual? It is unlikely. Imagining something is not the same as doing it, and it doesn't necessarily mean that it is even something you want to do in real life.
- Don't think that fantasizing about your friend's girlfriend means you've betrayed him. In fact, fantasizing about her could erase any desire you have to have something real with her.
- Part of the fun of fantasizing is that it allows you to do something you would never do in real life. You can imagine crazy and mind-blowing situations, from flying like a bird to kissing your teacher.
Step 2. Keep in mind that there are no right or wrong fantasies
Sometimes the fantasies get weird and can leave you wondering if you did something wrong. You may feel that fantasizing that you do something bad or that something bad is done to you means that you are weird. You may wonder if that makes you a bad person. The answer is no. It doesn't make you bad.
- Instead, focus on the repercussion of the fantasy. After fantasizing, do you feel empowered and more in control? Or did the fantasy seem negative, uncomfortable, or compulsive to you?
- If the latter happens to you, your fantasy may be revealing some underlying problems that you have to solve.
Step 3. Remember that having fantasies is healthy
Having fantasies can help us discover what it is we want to achieve and even what aspects of our lives we need to work on. Everyone has fantasies, whether it be about the delicious dish designed for dinner or about a kiss to the dream person. It is a natural part of the human being and their curious mind, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.
- Think about the relationship that could exist between your fantasy and real life. If you fantasize that you are dominated, it could mean that you lack control in some aspect of your life.
- Research shows that if you experience a lack of sexual desire and want to increase it, frequent fantasizing about your partner can restore normal sexual activity.
Part 2 of 3: Learning to Fantasize
Step 1. Find a quiet place to relax
Go to a place where you are comfortable and where you cannot be disturbed. It is generally not pleasant to be suddenly interrupted in the middle of a fantasy. Breathe slowly and deeply, and try to be aware of your body.
- Close your eyes if it helps you visualize better.
- If you want, dim the lights and put on music to help you relax.
Step 2. Realize what turns you on
Maybe it's something you've never thought about before. Try to think of times when you have been aroused. What were you doing? What was it that turned you on? Or, if it is very difficult, you can start by imagining some common situations and let your mind go alone.
- Imagine different scenarios. Fantasize that you are on the beach or in a cabin in front of a campfire. Imagine that you are in a luxurious hotel room, or in an office or supermarket. There are no consequences within a fantasy, so you can imagine that you are anywhere.
- Think about past situations and exploit them. You can exaggerate them or make them more intense, or recreate them in your mind.
Step 3. Add the person you want to fantasize about
Once you know what turns you on, you can imagine yourself with that special someone. Let the scene go through your mind like a movie, with the exception that here you are the one directing the action.
- Try to imagine a situation where you and that person are far from everyone. Perhaps they are isolated by snow inside a cabin or the two of them were trapped in the copy room at work.
- Fantasize about the things you would like to do with that person. Remember that you are the boss in this fantasy, and if you start to feel uncomfortable, you can change it or simply stop at any time.
Step 4. Use all your senses
Getting aroused doesn't just involve visual stimulation. As you fantasize about that person, think about their voice, their smell, how it would feel to touch or touch them, or for them to touch you.
Your fantasy could be more intense if you also imagine the sensory details around you. If you imagine that you are on the beach, how does the sand feel on your skin? Try to hear the waves crash on the shore
Part 3 of 3: Identify when fantasy is a problem
Step 1. Notice if you start to lose touch with reality
If you start to have trouble distinguishing between your fantasy and real life, it's time to slow down the fantasy and talk to a mental health professional. The best thing about fantasies is that there are no rules or consequences, but this does not happen in real life. Carrying out your fantasies, especially if you don't have the consent of the person involved, could have serious consequences.
- If the line between these two worlds is no longer so clear and you feel the desire to make things happen that would be inappropriate beyond the tranquility of your mind, then your fantasy has gotten out of control.
- If you see that your fantasy is interfering with your real life, then it is no longer healthy and you may need the help of a therapist or mental health professional.
Step 2. Stop if you find that your fantasy turns into something obsessive or compulsive
If you have a partner and from time to time you fantasize about another person, there is no need to worry. But if you constantly imagine yourself sexually with that other person, especially if you start doing it when you are intimate with your partner, then, in effect, the fantasy has become a defense mechanism to avoid facing real problems.
- First, put a stop to your fantasy. Then, even if it's painful, analyze your relationship. You're bored? You are disgusted? Is fantasizing about another person a way to avoid being intimate with your partner?
- Using fantasy to deal with some things is not a bad thing in itself, but it can make you sidestep the real problem. You won't be able to fix your relationship without taking an objective look at the situation.
Step 3. See if you use fantasy to dissociate
When you disassociate, you feel disconnected from what is happening. This often happens to trauma survivors, who may have the sensation of seeing what is happening in their bodies from afar. Having fantasies in a healthy way will help you connect with your partner and enhance your sex life. If you start to feel like you are far away, dissociated, or disconnected, it is best to talk to a sex therapist.