Everyone likes to be heard. There is nothing wrong with wanting people to know your opinions or how you feel. However, expressing yourself can be a bad thing when it's excessive and starts to annoy people around you or embarrass you. A big part of being a good friend or conversationalist is being able to listen. If you're worried that this art of conversation has completely eluded you, here are some pointers and suggestions for what to do.
Steps
Method 1 of 2: Determine if you talk excessively
Step 1. Evaluate your usual conversations
Imagine you meet your friend for lunch and are worried that you might have dominated the conversation… again. Honestly and impartially, go over lunch in your head. Ask yourself questions like:
- "Who actually spoke most of the time?"
- "Do we talk more about me or my friend?"
- "How often did I interrupt my friend?"
Step 2. Don't limit these "review sessions" to your social circle
Think about the way you talk to "everyone." Including (but not limited to) your boss, co-workers, mother, and restaurant servers.
Step 3. Evaluate how you are most likely to start a conversation
Do you open the conversation with a funny story from your life and your observations without being asked? Or are you likely to ask someone something and let them tell you a story and tell you about their life and observations? The conversation is a balance between both participants and anytime you are going too far, you are grabbing the spotlight.
Step 4. Pay attention to the body language of others
Do people sometimes roll their eyes when you start to speak, or maybe they tap their foot impatiently? Do they just nod their head and say "Yes" or "Aha" so you don't continue? Or worse, do people sometimes completely ignore you when you talk too much, turn around, and start a conversation with someone else? A definitive sign is a very simple one; the other person can say something as simple as "you talk too much" and walk away. All of these things are good indicators of whether you are boring or frustrating people by talking too much. If signals like these are consistent factors in your conversations, assume you're talking too much.
Step 5. Keep track of how many times you accidentally say more than you mean (you know that feeling)
Do you find yourself often giving out bits of information that you didn't mean to say? Something that a friend entrusted to you or sometimes your own problems? Or maybe you came up with a rude or hurtful opinion about someone else. Notice how often this happens in everyday conversations.
If it helps, keep a small notebook and mark the times you feel like you've screwed up this way. It will help you gauge how much this is happening
Method 2 of 2: Talk Less, Listen More
Step 1. Fix the problem
Once you've finished your analysis and decided that you "do" talk a lot and want to do something about it, it's time to get serious about restricting what you talk about. Don't think "I know, but I can't change." If you can learn how to do other more complex things in other things (a musical instrument, computer games, cooking, gardening, etc.), then you can learn this too. This section will provide you with some solutions.
Step 2. Make a conscious effort to listen more and speak less
Listening shows that you are interested in the other person and what they have to say. People will be flattered by a good listener, because secretly, everyone loves to talk about themselves. There is no subject that interests them more than themselves. Remember, if you let them talk (ask open-ended questions, don't interrupt, stay in sync with their body language, and make eye contact), and ask lots of questions to keep the conversation going, they'll think you're a great conversationalist without having to say much. Some people think that by talking the most, they are the most talkative. In the same way, if a guest at your dinner takes more than half of the food offered to a group, would you consider him a good guest? You are hardly more likely to see them as rude, selfish, and lacking social skills.
Step 3. Don't fill in the silences
This especially applies in a group setting. Pauses are sometimes time to think about the other person; they are also times to impart gravity or emphasis to something that has already been said. Some people like to take a moment to think and compose their answer carefully. Don't feel like you need to speak at every pause; doing so absorbs them and deconcentrates them from their response. If you hog all the gaps, you will be talking for longer than you should, and others will feel that you are interrupting them. Allow about 5 seconds, look around, and if no one seems to want to speak, ask a question instead of inserting an opinion or statement. Most of all, don't "come out" with a funny story; Instead, trust people to ask questions for themselves.
Step 4. Don't give ALL the history or facts about a topic that you are discussing with someone
Instead, give a short summary or answer their question directly, and then wait to see if the other person actually wants you to continue with more information. If so, they will ask you more questions. If not, they may reply with an "aha" or a non-verbal hint that it is enough information and that they are not interested.
Step 5. Remember that a good conversation is like a rally back and forth
If someone asks you a question (for example, "How was your vacation?"), After you've responded about your great trip and experience, be brief and get to the point. Then return the big favor by asking a question back (for example, "What about you, do you plan to take any trips this year?" Or "Enough of me, how was your week? How is your wife? and sons?")
Step 6. Don't mention acquaintances casually in conversation
If someone you are talking to does not know that "Miguel" is your neighbor, make sure you mention him as "my neighbor Miguel" or give an explanation in the next sentence. Saying names frustrates the listener; It can make you feel ignorant or out of place, or showing off.
Step 7. Go slow
This cannot be over emphasized; the number of talkers who behave like locked bulls is growing, probably encouraged by the technological world in which we are immersed. Sometimes people just get excited and start off with an overwhelming monologue. They are so immersed in what they have to say that they forget that you need "two" people to carry on a conversation. This is selfish. Sometimes all it takes is a quick mental note to "calm down."
- Take a deep breath and calm down before reaching your friends with your important news.
- In essence, "think before you speak." In reality, your special story will have more impact if you take the time to think about what you are going to say and how you are going to say it.
Step 8. If you don't learn anything else, at least learn to "stop interrupting people."
Interrupting people is insipid, self-centered, and a widely justified habit that sadly infests the majority of the world's population. Many people have become desensitized to this self-centered way of carrying on a conversation. Now it is common to find yourself without finishing a sentence thanks to your fellow conversationalist chipping in with their personal stories, thoughts or comments, rambling incessantly. In effect, it's a habit that basically says "You don't seem interesting enough to me, so I'm just going to say what I want to say because I assume I'm more interesting." This ignores the most basic rule of human interaction of respect. So the next time you're in a conversation, no matter what it's about, "listen" to everything else. Your personal opinion is a good way to express yourself, but never at the expense of other people's feelings. So give it a try, this is a wonderful way to earn the honor of becoming a "good listener."
Step 9. Consider cause / effect
Ask yourself why you talk so much. Do you seldom get a chance to be heard? Were you ignored as a child? Do you feel inadequate? Do you feel lonely because you are locked up all day? Is Too Much Caffeine Making You Nervous? Are you often pressed for time and have you adapted by increasing the speed with which you speak? The effect that people who talk a lot and very fast tend to have is to tire the other person, overwhelm them and fill them up until they can find a gentle strategy to get out of the conversation. When you catch yourself talking too much, try taking a moment to check inside; Take a deep breath and remind yourself that you can "reset" your speaking habits if you slow down and work at it.
Step 10. Learn to express yourself well in an entertaining way
This will help on its own. If you enjoy telling stories, learning to tell them well means staying on topic, making them entertaining, slowing down, and keeping your listeners interested.
- Consistency is an important key. If you can say it in fewer words, you are more likely to make the listener laugh or move.
- Rehearse some of your best stories. Take drama classes. Give yourself the attention you want by participating in talent shows and open mic nights. If you are entertaining enough, people may not mind you talking too much and you will attract shy people who prefer to let someone else dominate the conversation.
Advice
- If you catch yourself talking too much don't be afraid to just stop and say, "Whoops, sorry. I'm talking a lot. What were you saying (reference to something they mentioned or tried to mention)?" Being honest about your tendency generates empathy from others and shows them that you are aware.
- When you greet someone (your partner at the end of the day, a friend on the weekend, a date), make sure you do the usual "how are you? How was your day?" over and over again until the conversation turns to something. Don't just answer her "how are you?" first and start with your stories without first acknowledging them with a "Good, what about you?" That, in a way, is a verbal "hug" and assures the other person that you are genuinely happy to be talking to him or her. There will be plenty of time for your stories; you don't have to count them from the beginning.
- Don't be afraid to apologize if someone openly or subtly informs you that you are talking too much. In fact, it is a very good opportunity to break your habit by being silent once in a while and listening.
- Make a conscious effort to be an active listener by asking relevant and / or follow-up questions of your peers more often.
- Getting rid of bad habits or bad manners takes time. Do not be discouraged. It is wise to ask a close friend for support. It won't hurt to have a coach.
- During a meal, pay attention to your companions' dishes. If the people at your table are eating at a normal rate and yet your plate has much more food than theirs and you've been talking, it's time to talk less.
- Get a confidant to signal you with a preset code when you start to revert to your old habits. Real-time intervention will help with correction.
- If you are a woman, pay attention to who says you talk too much. If you don't get this complaint from any of your friends or family members but men always complain that you talk a lot, you may be falling into the good habit of waiting the same amount of time to talk to men. Conversations with someone of the same sex are usually 50-50 between participants unless someone is shy or talks a lot. The time to start decelerating is when you are at a 2/3 ratio. However, in mixed conversations, men expect to be heard 2/3 of the time and women make them feel uncomfortable if they spend 1/3 of the total time. You can review this with transcripts and decide if you should do something; Change your behavior or confront your male friends and family with the truth by asking them to modify theirs.