If you've been married for a long time, you might start to wonder what happened to the strong and communicative relationship you used to have with your spouse. Maybe you've faced so many fights and accusations that you no longer listen to your partner. There are steps you can take to regain your ability and desire to listen to her.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Change the environment to hear better
Step 1. Stop what you are doing
If you are not looking at your spouse, you are not giving them your full attention. Put your iPhone or computer away, and turn off the television. It is almost impossible to pay enough attention to someone when you are focused on different things.
Step 2. Look at her when she talks
Making eye contact with your spouse will indicate that you are focused only on them and ready to listen. Your facial expression will also be important. Don't frown at her or look down on her when she starts to speak.
Step 3. Don't interrupt her
We often think that we are listening to our spouse when we are actually busy working out our response or argument in our mind. This will not be effective listening, as you will only be partially listening to your spouse, because your main focus will be on what you plan to say next. This usually causes us to start talking before it is our turn. For a spouse who needs her partner to listen, one of the most damaging things is being interrupted in the middle of a sentence multiple times.
To listen effectively, it is important that you do not dominate the conversations. This is related to not interrupting and it might seem obvious, but couples often start to struggle with this concept over time - you can't hear if you're talking. Be patient and give your spouse the time they need to talk to you and vent to you
Step 4. Take time each day to talk
At times, we all feel busy and overloaded due to work, school, and family obligations. However, it is important that you spend even 10 minutes a day sitting down and chatting with your spouse. This provides a double benefit. For starters, if you mention that you want to prioritize conversations with her, this will show her that you care about the relationship and are willing to be proactive in improving it. On the other hand, the 10 or more minutes you set aside will be beneficial to your overall communication if you use the time to inform yourself about your day and what you are feeling.
- Try to ensure that your conversations are productive. Don't use this intimate time to complain that the house is dirty, even if it is true. Take advantage of this time to talk about a difficult project or an upcoming event that you both have. Then ask her about her day and actively listen to her.
- If they really have opposite schedules that make this difficult, they could use Skype or FaceTime as ways to communicate.
Method 2 of 3: Active Listening
Step 1. Pay attention to non-verbal clues
Looking like someone willing to listen to your spouse is almost as important as the act of listening. Are you making fidgety movements, standing with your arms crossed, or sighing? If so, you are clearly communicating to your spouse that you are not listening and are not interested in what they have to say. Sit upright or stand looking at her and maintaining eye contact. Think about the position you would be in if your boss was talking to you about something important, and be just as courteous to your spouse.
Step 2. Make sure you know exactly what he is saying
To ensure that you are following what they say, you will need to repeat it back to them. This does not mean that you should tell him word for word what he just mentioned. This just means that you should listen to the content and then outline the key facts that show your partner that you were listening.
For example, if she tells you she's stressed out about an important project at work, you could say something like, “That project sounds intense, and it definitely makes sense for you to be stressed. Is there anything I can do to help you? By saying this, you will repeat and validate their feelings, acknowledging that you have listened to their concerns and offering your help with kindness
Step 3. Show empathy
Try to understand how he is feeling, especially if he is making a complaint. Make an effort to understand their frustration. For example, if he complains that the kitchen is dirty, think about his complaint. The kitchen is dirty? Think of ways in which to address her complaints that show that you really do listen. Even if you feel like he's overreacting, try to find the truth in what he's saying.
Step 4. Listen to the ways they can agree
If your spouse expresses a concern, try to find common ground about the problem. Even if you think their concern is exaggerated or invalid, the problem will usually have some truth if you look at the situation objectively. Looking for ways to validate your spouse's concern shows that you are listening and that you care what they say. At the very least, you can always acknowledge what he feels (and this matters to you), even if you don't agree with the logic of it.
For example, if she tells you that you never help get the kids ready for bed, you could reply that you understand what she's feeling and offer to do the chores for bedtime that night. You could move on by asking if the two of you can sit down and create a schedule or delegate duties so that bedtime tasks don't just depend on one person all the time
Step 5. Don't compare their concerns with yours
If your spouse opens up to you about a problem, avoid the need to invalidate their worries by overcoming them with something more important that happens in your life. This will send a clear message that you are not listening to her and that you do not consider her feelings and problems to be important. Remember that problems and stressors are not a competition. A good listener will listen to your spouse's concerns and wait their turn to bring up their own problems.
Method 3 of 3: Improve Yourself
Step 1. Leave your agenda
Do you have an idea of the direction you want for the conversation with your spouse? If you want to listen effectively, you will have to forget about it. Conversations in which two people participate equally by listening and responding unfold naturally. You don't sit and listen to your spouse with the expectation of guiding the conversation the way you want. By doing so, you will not really listen.
Step 2. Don't feel like you have to fix their problem
Sometimes your spouse just wants to come to you to vent or talk about their problems. Suggesting quick and unsolicited solutions will put your spouse down and minimize their concerns. Don't give advice unless she asks what you think.
This applies especially to men. This is often a very gender-centered problem, as husbands seek to solve their wives' problems rather than listen to them talk about their problems. For example, if your wife approaches you with concerns about a disagreement she has had with her mother, resist the urge to tell her to just call her and apologize. Instead, actively listen to her and acknowledge her problem
Step 3. Remember the importance of being a good role model
The way you and your spouse communicate and listen to each other will set an example for your children when they have a relationship in the future. Children absorb information; Therefore, the example you give them about the best way to communicate with your partner should focus on respect and sincerity.
Step 4. Don't get defensive about poor listening skills in the past
Your spouse might mention that you haven't listened to her in the past. When he does bring it up, it will be important not to get defensive or angry. Instead, acknowledge that you have not been as attentive as you should have been and that you are working hard. Ask her what specific actions you took that made her feel like you weren't listening. In this way, if you have specific examples, you will have concrete aspects that you can start working on.
Step 5. Sincerely apologize
If you've neglected your spouse in the past and haven't listened to her, a sincere apology can go a long way. Make sure you have a contrite attitude and match your words. Avoid sarcastic or passive aggressive comments that may be perceived more as a covert attack rather than a sincere apology.
Say something like, “I know I haven't been listening to you. Let's set aside a day for coffee, lunch or dinner, and a chat. I want to know what happens in your life”. You will then need to proceed by creating concrete plans by choosing a date and location, and finding a babysitter (if necessary)
Step 6. Ask for feedback
Ask your spouse if they feel you are listening to them. You should be prepared for their response. Ideally, they will say yes, but if they feel hurt, they will likely not give you a polite response. Asking her if she feels you are listening to her or not may be difficult, but it is the most effective measure to determine her perception of how well you are listening to her.
Step 7. Try marriage therapy
If things aren't working out despite your best efforts to become a better listener to your spouse, you could both benefit from talking to a professional. Find a therapist or a member of your church, and talk to him about his marital problems related to your listening and communication skills. These people are trained to help couples in this area, and this can be helpful if they have been unable to manage problems on their own.