It is not easy to get out of an abusive relationship. Abuse victims often do not realize that they are being abused or are led to believe that they are guilty of their own abuse. Once you realize that you are being abused and you are ready to leave this situation, you must do it quickly and carefully to prevent the problem from escalating and generating violence that could endanger your life. Don't be afraid to ask for help, use any of the resources at your disposal and get out of that relationship safely.
Steps
Method 1 of 5: Find Help
Step 1. Find a safe way to seek help
They can review your call logs and track your computer's browser history. But you can delete such records or cookies and Internet history. Some browsers also allow you to set them to "private" mode. But if you are concerned that the abuser is monitoring your communication with other people, it may be better to find another computer or cell phone that you can use.
- Most public libraries offer computers with Internet access to members of the community. This could be a good place to start.
- Buy yourself a prepaid cell phone. It could come in handy when seeking help and later when you escape.
- You could also use a friend or neighbor's computer or phone. If necessary, make an excuse. For example, say that your computer or phone is not working.
Step 2. Contact an organization that can help you
In many parts of the world there are local resources to help victims of abuse. If you don't know where to start or if you want to talk to someone about your plans to get out of an abusive relationship, start with the following resources.
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In the United States, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).
Men can contact the Domestic Abuse Line for Women and Men
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In the UK, call the Women's Help Desk: 0808 2000 247.
Men can contact the ManKind Initiative organization
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In Australia, call 1800Respect: 1800 737 732.
Men can contact the One in Three organization
- Around the world, visit the International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies.
Step 3. Find a shelter for battered women
If you are an abused woman, find a battered women's shelter in your area (or a nearby town). Make sure they keep the location of the shelter a secret for the protection of women there, but they should allow you to call a helpline or pass an exam in a physical location. Then they will send you to the shelter.
Most shelters offer a safe place to live for both women and children. They are designed to provide security and support as you return to your normal life, but your stay there will be for a limited period
Step 4. Talk to your friends or family
Unfortunately, many victims of abuse withdraw or are forced to isolate themselves. This makes victims believe that they have no one to help them escape from their abuser. However, friends and family (even if you are not in contact with them) can help you get out and recover from a bad situation. Go to someone you trust and ask for help.
Try to be specific about what you want them to do for you (like letting you stay with them, putting away your “run away bag”, calling the police for you if you give them a “keyword”, etc.)
Method 2 of 5: Make an Escape Plan
Step 1. Establish an emergency fund or credit
If the abuser is keeping money under tight control, withholding money from you, or not allowing you to earn your own money, it can be difficult to establish an emergency fund. Save as much change as you can, return items to stores for cash back, hide the money given to you as a gift, or find other ways to save some cash for emergencies. If you can't get cash for emergencies, apply for a credit card in your name, but make sure the statements are sent to a PO box, your work address, or even a friend's house so that the abuser does not find out. Never access your credit card account from your home computer.
Having a credit card can help you establish or create a source of credit (as long as you are responsible for payments) that you will surely need to live on your own after escaping
Step 2. Pack and hide an "escape bag."
You should have an emergency bag with essential items. Make sure to hide it very well (you could even leave it at someone else's house). Pack light, but include the following items in your bag:
- change of clothes for you and your children;
- copies of important documents (birth certificates, passports, driver's license, information from your bank account or credit card, proof of payment, social security cards, etc.);
- medications for you or your children;
- special personal items such as photographs or jewelry;
- non-perishable snacks.
Step 3. Gather evidence of the abuse
Obviously, you shouldn't provoke abuse cases just to gather evidence, but you can take legal action in the future if you manage to collect evidence of the abuse. Take photos of injuries, destroyed objects, or a room that was vandalized during an episode of violence, put away blood-stained clothes or towels, and collect documents about visits to the hospital due to abuse.
- Every time you are injured in a violent episode, you should seek medical treatment in the emergency room and keep records. This could be the key to getting an order of protection, custody of your children, or a contested divorce.
- It is common for victims of abuse to be unsure of their sanity. Hours or days after an episode of violence, they begin to wonder if they have provoked the aggression of their partners, and if it is their fault. Documenting all the dialogues with your partner or spouse, their actions and yours in a journal will help you keep a clear picture of everything that happened to you. Also, these records will be useful if you need to recreate the experience in a police station.
Step 4. Hide a copy of the car keys
If you have restricted access to a vehicle, take out a copy of the keys. If there is already one, hide it in a place where you can easily access the exit. Check the place before you leave to make sure the abuser didn't find the key and removed it.
You must also have the car ready to escape; park out so you can get out quickly in the car. Keep the car fueled so that you always have a nearly full tank
Step 5. Know where to go when you escape
While it is true that sometimes the most important thing is to escape, you will be more likely to flee and stay away if you plan in advance where to go. Ideally, you should talk ahead of time with a shelter, abuse resource center, or a friend or family member. However, in an emergency, these places can accept you or send you to a safe place even without notifying them beforehand.
If you are staying with a friend or family member, choose someone who is not very obvious to the abuser
Step 6. Make a plan for the pets
Many people (especially women) put up with an abusive relationship because they fear that something will happen to their pets if they leave. There are some shelters that accept you with your pet. If not, you could leave her with a neighbor or friend, or even take her to an animal shelter for care. In the end, you must realize that your life is more important than that of a pet, no matter how difficult it is to accept.
Step 7. Decide if you should take the children with you
Before escaping, it is first necessary to speak with a lawyer regarding taking the children with you. While you should keep them away from abuse, you shouldn't spoil your chance to keep them safe in the future by ruining your chances of gaining or keeping custody of your children.
Method 3 of 5: Escape
Step 1. Run away for a safe period
You will most likely need to escape while the abuser is away from home (unless a violent episode requires you to flee immediately). Plan and prepare to flee at a time when the abuser is absent (preferably for a few hours). Give yourself plenty of time to gather your emergency bag and find a safe place before the abuser notices you are absent.
- It is not necessary to leave a note or an explanation of your escape. It's okay to just leave.
- If you don't have your own transportation, make arrangements for someone to pick you up. If you fear that you are in imminent danger, you can ask the police to pick you up and take you out of there.
Step 2. Escape quickly without being followed
Although you may need to go directly to your safe place (a shelter or the home of a friend or family member), you can take a roundabout route and be careful not to be followed. Try to get into traffic, take alternate roads, turn around, retrace part of your route, and see if there are cars that appear to be following your path.
Step 3. Don't take your cell phone
Write down the important numbers elsewhere (or memorize them). They can track your phone without you noticing, so leave it behind to help you leave the abuser behind.
Think about buying a prepaid cell phone and keep it in the emergency bag. It will help you make important calls related to your escape and safety without letting the abuser find your whereabouts
Step 4. Create a red herring after you leave
If you think the abuser will try to follow you, consider creating a red herring once you are gone. Use your own cell phone to make calls to a hotel at least 6 hours from your actual destination. Use a shared credit card or bank account to prepay for your hotel room and have a confirmation email sent to a shared or monitored email account. You can also reserve a rental car at the same location or leave a message for a real estate agent and ask them to call you back on your home phone.
- Do not take these steps before fleeing, as this could make the abuser suspect that you are leaving, which can lead to a violent reaction.
- If you use your own cell phone to create a red herring, throw it away or abandon it before reaching your actual destination.
Step 5. Go directly to a safe place
Whatever your safe place, go there. The benefit of going to a shelter or abuse victim support organization is that they have trained employees or volunteers to help you with the question "now what?" that you will surely do to yourself after running away.
If you are staying with a friend or family, it is still wise to turn to a victim support organization. There they will guide you in everything that concerns legal aid, counseling, support groups, job training and financial support
Step 6. You must have a plan to ensure your immediate safety
No matter how careful you are, there is a risk that the abuser will follow or locate you. Therefore, you need to have a plan to deal with this eventuality. The plan should probably include calling the police immediately.
If the abuser shows up and begs you to come home, don't go for any reason. At this point, he will be able to say anything to you just to bring you back home, but you won't be sure if you come back
Method 4 of 5: Ensure Anonymity
Step 1. Use a fake name
When you check in at the women's shelter or shelter, there is no need to give them your personal information. You can make up a name, especially in documents. This may not be the case when you receive legal or financial help, but in the immediate moment it is okay to be extremely careful.
Step 2. Never reveal the location of the shelter to anyone
If you tell the abuser, your family members, the abuser's relatives, or mutual friends, you are putting your own life and the lives of the other women and children in the shelter at risk.
You will likely have to sign documents stating that you will not reveal the location of the shelter before the organization takes you to the secret location
Step 3. Change your work habits
If you work, talk to your employer about making some changes to ensure your safety. In some countries there are laws that require employers to make reasonable accommodations for survivors of abuse. Find out if you can change your workplace, change your schedule, or have personal security escort you to your car when you leave work.
Step 4. Have a private phone number and a confidential address
Once you've moved into a new home, get a private phone number. For correspondence, get a PO Box or ask the post office if they have a confidential address program. With these measures it will be more difficult to locate your specific whereabouts.
If you have children, be sure to talk to them so they keep their address a secret and not share it with the abuser or strangers
Step 5. Change all your passwords
Any account you have online can be a window into your personal information. To be safe, change all passwords for any account: financial accounts, social media accounts, email accounts, etc. In fact, you can temporarily (or permanently) disable your social media accounts and change your email address.
Step 6. Request additional protection
Some companies only require your social security number and your mother's maiden name to access secure information. If you married the abuser, they most likely have that information. Ask if the company offers any additional account protection or gives an imprecise (but still remembered) answer to security questions. For example, you could provide your paternal grandmother's maiden name instead of your mother's.
Method 5 of 5: Take Legal Action
Step 1. Ask the shelter for guidance or resources
Most shelters have legal guidance. Some even offer free legal services for survivors of domestic violence. Even if you are not staying in a shelter, you should contact an organization (most have a helpline) to find out about free or low-cost legal services.
Some organizations help with immigration services for immigrant victims of domestic violence. Don't put up with an abusive situation just because you fear deportation. Even if you are an immigrant, you have the right to be free from violence
Step 2. Contact an attorney
You will most likely need an attorney to help you through the legal battle you will have to face. If you married the abuser, if you had children with him or if you are an immigrant, the lawyer will help you with the legal changes you need to make.
If you don't have money, you could still get a lawyer. Some attorneys include a lawsuit for fees against the abuser in the event that the court rules in your favor. Others accept your case as "pro bono" or an act of charity
Step 3. Apply for a personal protection order (PPO)
The personal protection order is a court-backed document that allows you legal protection from a former abuser. If you wish to apply for an OPP, present to the local court any evidence of abuse you have, as well as a letter describing the abusive situation and the relationship between you and the abuser. There they will provide you with additional instructions on how to fill out the proper paperwork to obtain a legal PPO.
- If your OPP application is approved, it will need to be sent to the abuser and proof of service must be filed with the court. Talk to the court clerk about how to do this.
- Once you have the PPO, keep it with you at all times. If the abuser violates the terms of the OPP, you will need to show it to the police.
- Please note that the OPP does not guarantee your protection. It makes it easy to arrest your abuser in the event of new incidents, but often the OPP is not enough to keep the abuser totally away from you.
Step 4. File assault charges
If you have been recently assaulted or if you have records of abuse (police and medical records), file assault charges against your abuser. You could report him for assault without physical evidence (especially if you have witnesses to the abuse), but it will be much easier if you collected physical evidence of the assault before fleeing.
You will probably be able to file a lawsuit against the abuser who has multiple legal problems (for example, you could file for divorce, a child custody lawsuit, an assault claim, and request an OPP). The complicated nature of these charges requires an attorney
Step 5. Take the proper steps to obtain a divorce or custody of the children
Once you have left the abuser, you need to break your legal ties with him. If you didn't get married or have children, it could be as easy as canceling joint accounts. But if you married and had children, you may face complicated legal battles that will require meeting with the abuser (in the courtroom if there is no other place). You should be prepared for this by relying on the support systems available to you: the shelter, your lawyer, your friends and family, and a therapist.
Step 6. Go to therapy
Whether you prefer the personal attention of a therapist or the community or the support of group therapy (or both), you need help. Surviving abuse is not easy, and getting out of it takes a lot of strength. You must trust others to recover effectively, stay strong, and prepare for healthier relationships in the future.
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Warnings
- Call 911 or another emergency service if you feel threatened or in danger. You should call the police immediately after any violent attack.
- Don't let a lack of preparation keep you from escaping when you find yourself in imminent danger. For example, if you have the opportunity and the means to flee, but you didn't pack an emergency bag, flee anyway.