Often times, society views men as the only perpetrators of domestic violence. However, women can also have aggressive behavior. If your girlfriend or wife is violent, you need to defend yourself and the other people who live in the house. Know your rights in this type of situation and seek the necessary help.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Protect Yourself and Others from a Violent Partner
Step 1. Take care of security first
In a situation of violence against you or others, the first step will be for them to move to a safe place, such as a locked room, a neighbor's house or a police station. If she approaches you, try to cover yourself to avoid any physical damage. Do not respond to the attack as this will make you also considered a perpetrator of the violence.
- If your children are in the house, warn them to go to a "safe zone" at any yell or sign of violent behavior.
- If you think they are in danger, call 911 immediately.
Step 2. Talk to a trusted person
The first step out of this situation is to tell someone that you are in an abusive relationship and that you need support and help.
- In addition to talking to someone you trust, you can ask for help to get out of this situation. This will require gathering resources, copies of documents, and other objects. Ask a trusted friend to save them for you.
- Gather all the necessary items, such as your cell phone, a separate bank account, and legal identification so you don't have to stay in the house.
Step 3. End the relationship or leave your home, if possible
Find out what your options are for filing for divorce, child custody, or any other legal matter so you can take care of it. If you have children together, make a plan so that you can all leave together safely. To do this, you will have to take into account local laws regarding custody. Find out what are the steps to take to have custody of the children, if you want to do so.
Since abuse generally always follows the same cycle, try to leave when your partner thinks everything is "normal." Faced with a normal situation, your partner may not suspect what your plans are. Instead, if you leave during the violent episode, she may press false charges against you for abuse or even physical harm
Step 4. Document all offenses
If your partner brings false charges of abuse against you out of revenge, you will need to protect yourself in some way. For this, it is important that you keep a record of all the offenses and situations that may contribute to the case. If you keep a journal or other documentation, be sure to give a friend a copy to keep in a safe place outside the house.
There are several ways to document abuse. You can photograph the physical injuries that you or others have suffered, you can ask others to write a testimony of the situations they have witnessed or write dates, times and details in a journal. To ensure the validity of the document, be sure not to voice your opinion or judge the situation. You just have to stick with the facts
Step 5. Try to contain your desire for revenge
Possibly this is what she is looking for. In some abusive relationships, the abusive woman will want to push the man to an extreme limit to react violently or seek revenge. Depending on local laws, if you react, you could end up in jail.
The safest long-term option is to document situations and not react to their offenses, no matter how great the temptation to get revenge
Step 6. Seek help from a support group for victims of domestic violence
Men generally do not report abuse because they believe they are alone. By seeking support and help, you can see that this situation is much more common than you think. Find shelters, assistance programs, and other types of support in your community.
Step 7. Consider making a safety plan when you decide to leave
An action plan will allow you to contemplate all the possible results when you leave your home. Write down what the next steps will be and be sure to let your loved ones know what your plans are. For example, it is important that your family knows if you are leaving with the children or how to act in case she calls asking for you.
Many support programs have resources to help you put together a safe plan that includes providing you with secure mailing addresses so the abuser does not know where you are, as well as other formal protective measures
Part 2 of 3: Know Your Rights
Step 1. Find out about the statistics on violence against men, if you are a man
10% of men suffer some form of abuse, but generally do not report it. The victims have different origins, sexual orientations and living conditions.
Abusive women are more likely to use emotional control and abuse against men than vice versa
Step 2. Consult with the family lawyer, in case you have children together
It is wrong to assume that women will always have custody of children. If you want to take care of the children, fight for custody. In most states, it is possible to complete an emergency order that will allow you to take the children with you, provided you can provide the evidence that they will be better off with you than with their mother.
- It is a myth to believe that the mother will automatically have custody of the children. In fact, when parents ask for it, they usually get it, even in cases where there has been no abuse. Do not give up. You have a good chance of getting custody.
- In most states, you will have the right to leave your home. Anyway, you may have to take care of asking for a legal divorce (if you are married) and custody of your children. Otherwise, you won't be able to just go with the kids.
- Ideally, you should inform yourself about the legal issues you may face to avoid threats or manipulation by the abuser.
Step 3. Find out about how these types of cases are handled in your area
If you've sought local help, be aware that these groups often have information about local compliance laws and legal practices. For your sake, make sure you work with the legal system. These groups will help you fill out divorce papers or obtain a restraining order, if you have applied for one. To avoid further inconvenience in front of the children, take care to take the necessary measures to begin to fix all the legal matters.
Part 3 of 3: Identify Domestic Violence
Step 1. Evaluate how he talks to you
Your partner can manifest the abuse in different ways, in addition to the physical one. Usually when people think of domestic abuse, they directly link it to physical harm. These are some of the behaviors that represent verbal abuse:
- Offending, insulting or belittling you.
- Blame yourself for their explosions and tell you that you deserve the mistreatment.
- Yelling or threatening you so you don't see your family or friends.
- Blaming yourself whenever you want to talk about a problem. For example, maybe you want to express to her that she has hurt your feelings and somehow you end up apologizing to her.
- Putting yourself down in front of others with accusations such as that you are homosexual or that you do not have a good sexual performance.
- Try to isolate yourself and keep problems a secret.
Step 2. Watch for the emotional abuse called "gaslighting."
Gaslighting or "gaslighting" is a behavior that consists of presenting false information so that you doubt your own mental sanity and trust it to determine what is real and what is not. Perhaps he accuses you of doing things or overreacting and wants you to believe that you cannot differentiate fact from fiction.
- He can tell you "I never said or did that" or "That never happened."
- Move things around and deny that something has changed.
- Asking you to stop overreacting when you bring up a problem.
- Accusing you of being crazy or a liar. In addition, you may make these types of comments to your acquaintances to prevent them from listening to you.
Step 3. Ask yourself if your partner threatens you
Threatening behaviors can be subtle or obvious and straightforward. The threat can be physical, emotional, or sexual. Here are some examples of threatening behavior:
- Tell you that if you leave her, she will call the police to arrest you for domestic violence or other crimes that you have not committed.
- Use your fear of losing contact with children to keep you at home. Telling you that you will never see them again if you have a behavior that she does not approve of.
- Forbid contact with your friends or family, unless you comply with their demands and hide the arguments they have had.
- Threatening to harm yourself or others if you abandon her or disobey her orders.
Step 4. Evaluate if your partner tries to control you
Control between adults is a form of abuse. Here are some examples of controlling behaviors:
- Limit access to your cell phone or other type of communication with the outside world to the point that you have to control everything. This may include keeping track of and controlling your phone bill and requiring you to access your email accounts.
- Show jealousy and overreact to any insignificant contact with any woman in a public space or with your co-workers. This scandalous scene can be a way to justify their physical or emotional damage against you.
- Feeling that you must walk on leaden feet because she can explode at any moment.
- Manipulate you so that you don't abandon her by threatening to hurt or commit suicide.
- Take control of household funds so that you can't even buy things without their approval. It can also force you to give him access to the money you have earned from your work (without your consent).
Step 5. Determine if your partner has physically assaulted you
It doesn't matter if your physical build is bigger than hers or not, physical violence is a form of abuse.
- Many men believe that they should allow their partners to hit them, since a man should never hit a woman. She can use this argument to manipulate you.
- Depending on local laws, violence from women to men is treated differently than vice versa. Some women take advantage of this to threaten to keep a secret. For example, your partner may tell you that if you call the police, the one who will end up arrested will be you.
- Attacking does not always imply striking. Physical abuse also includes pushing, kicking, tripping, or any other behavior that hurts you physically. This also includes using objects as weapons, such as throwing a glass at you or hitting you with a belt. If he purposely fails to scare you, this is also considered an abusive act.
Step 6. Recognize that abuse can also involve forced sex
Statistics indicate that women (more than men) often use sex to control the behavior of their partners, which also represents a form of abuse.
- Your wife may not want to have sex with you as punishment or threaten to falsely accuse you of sexual misconduct.
- Sex can also be a form of abuse if it is used to humiliate or emasculate you. This includes touching you in unwanted ways, hurting you during sex, or forcing you to do things you don't want to do.
- It is important that you feel free to say "no" (or any safe word) without worrying about their reaction. She should respect your decision without getting upset with you.
Step 7. Assess whether these interactions form a recurring cycle
An abusive relationship doesn't always mean being unwell all the time. It is very common to have crises during the abuse followed by stages in which she is sorry and is willing to do whatever it takes to "get you back." Many times, the best moments are in front of the family, so people may not understand why you want to separate.
- Consider keeping a log of positive and negative interactions to establish the patterns of your relationship. In the moment, it can be difficult to identify this recurring cycle and realize that after positive behavior, the abuse is likely to recur.
- Generally, the cycle of abuse always follows the same pattern: abuse, blame, excuses, "normal" behavior, fantasy, and then abuse again.
- Identifying the pattern will help you predict the abuse and begin to recognize it as abusive behavior.