You can feel very scared about losing your virginity, and the various myths on this topic will not help. Some women may feel pain during their first experience of penetrative sex; however, yours doesn't have to be bad. Talking with your partner and understanding how sex happens can help you relax ahead of time. By fostering the right environment and using the right tools, you can make your first time a positive and even enjoyable experience.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Developing a Positive Attitude
Step 1. Make sure you are ready to have sex
It is normal for you to feel nervous for the first time. If you feel tense when thinking about sex or playing with your partner, this could be a sign that you are not ready yet. If you have sex when you don't consider it "appropriate," you may enjoy it less and feel tense during the act.
- Many people are taught that sex is shameful, that it should be reserved for marriage, and that it should only occur between a man and a woman. If the thought of having sex makes you feel guilty or stressed, you might want to wait.
- It is normal to feel insecure or distrustful of your body. However, if you are scared or unable to undress due to your appearance, this could be a sign that you are not quite ready to have sex with your partner.
- Don't be ashamed of your sexual preferences. Only you can choose the person you are attracted to and the type of sex you want to have.
Step 2. Communicate with your partner
Talking to your partner can build trust and make you feel more positive about having sex at the same time. A suitable partner should be considerate of your feelings and be willing to help you through the process. If your potential partner is putting too much pressure on you or causing you discomfort, you should reevaluate the option of having sex with her.
- Talk about birth control and protection before you have sex. You could say something like "I'm using birth control, but you'll still use a condom, right?"
- Mention your fears, your expectations, and what you feel. You could say something like, "I'm really nervous because it might hurt the first time."
- Tell your partner if there is something you want to try or don't want to do at all. For example, you can say something like, "I can do oral sex, but I don't like anal very much."
- Tell him if you are nervous or anxious. If he is not paying attention to your feelings, this could be a sign that he is not taking your concerns into account.
Step 3. Find a trusted adult with whom you can talk
You may feel uncomfortable talking about sex with an adult, but at least you should find someone you can turn to for help. It could be a parent, a doctor, a nurse, a school counselor, or an older sister. They can give you advice, answer your questions, and give you access to condoms. Even if you don't talk to these people beforehand, you may need someone you can contact in an emergency.
If you feel pressured to have sex, talk to a trusted adult for help. Remember that you should never have sex unless you want to. No one should pressure you to do something you don't want to do
Part 2 of 3: Informing Yourself About Your Body
Step 1. Learn how sex happens
Knowing your own anatomy can help you feel more confident, especially if your partner is also a virgin. You can ease your anxiety by knowing where their private parts will be, what is normal, and what will happen. Here are some pages you can check out: Planned Parenthood, Sex, Etc., and Scarleteen.
Masturbation can help you identify what it is that you enjoy in sex. Experiment with yourself before having sex with your partner
Step 2. Discover your hymen
Contrary to popular belief, the hymen membrane generally does not cover the vaginal opening, unless there is a condition such as a microperforated or septate hymen. Rather than being a "seal of freshness" as many claim, it is the muscle and skin that surround the opening, similar to the skin and muscle of the anus. It does not “break,” but it can be damaged by anything from tampons, to cracks, to having sex or inserting larger objects, which causes the pain most virgins feel.
- If the hymen is damaged or torn, it is probably blood. This can be seen during and after sex. The amount of blood should not be as large as if you were on your period.
- You shouldn't feel a lot of pain when your hymen breaks. Pain during sex is usually due to friction. This can happen if you don't get enough lubrication or excitement.
Step 3. Identify the angle of your vagina
If you can help your partner to slowly penetrate your vagina at the correct angle, you will avoid some awkward movements that could cause you pain. Most vaginas are angled by a forward lean toward the belly. If you were standing, your vagina would be at a 45 ° angle to the ground.
- If you use tampons, pay attention to the way you insert them. Try to recreate that same angle when you initiate penetrative sex.
- If you don't use tampons, put a finger in the next time you shower. Aim it toward your lower back, and if this doesn't make you feel comfortable, move it forward a bit until you find a point that feels comfortable.
Step 4. Locate the clitoris
It is very rare for women to experience orgasms from penetration alone. Instead, stimulation of the clitoris usually causes them to reach orgasm. The muscles can be relaxed with oral sex or clitoral stimulation before penetration.
- Try to locate the clitoris before having sex. You can do this by masturbating or looking at yourself with a mirror and a flashlight. This can be helpful in guiding your partner towards him during sex, especially if he is also a virgin.
- Orgasms before penetration may decrease pain during sex. Have oral sex during foreplay and before penetration. Also, your partner can stimulate your clitoris with his fingers or a sex toy.
Part 3 of 3: Enjoy During Sex
Step 1. Pick a stress-free location
If you're always worried about getting caught, you probably won't have much fun. You can make things easier for yourself and your partner by choosing a time and place where they won't be interrupted.
- Look for privacy, a comfortable surface to lie on, and a time when they aren't worried about having to do other things.
- Determine if you will feel more comfortable having sex at home or with your partner.
- If you are in a dorm or if you share a room, you could ask your roommate to give you some time alone that night.
Step 2. Create a relaxing environment
Relax by making the environment stress free. Clean up any distracting clutter, turn off your phone, and remove anything that might make you feel nervous or prevent you from focusing on your partner.
- Dim lights, soothing music, and a warm room temperature can help make them feel safe and comfortable.
- You can take some time to clean up beforehand to feel relaxed and safe.
Step 3. Get your partner's consent
You and your partner must have openly agreed to have sex. If you are not sure what your partner is feeling, ask them before proceeding. The simple fact that your partner does not refuse does not mean that they have consented. You must answer affirmatively with confidence and firmness.
- If your partner doesn't want to have sex, you shouldn't pressure her. If you don't want to have sex, she shouldn't insist when you refuse.
- Consent also means that you shouldn't do something your partner doesn't like.
Step 4. Use condoms
Condoms protect against pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Using condoms may help you relax if you are nervous about getting pregnant or getting sick. Other forms of birth control don't protect against STDs, so a condom will give you an extra layer of protection. If your partner refuses to use a condom, you may need to reevaluate the option of having sex with her.
- There are condoms for men and for women.
- The most important thing about condoms is that they should fit you. Couples should buy different types of condoms, try them on, and determine which one fits them best. If your partner is allergic to latex, nitrile condoms will be a great option.
- Condoms should be used before, during, and after penetration. This will increase your protection against STDs and pregnancy.
Step 5. Apply a lubricant
The lubricant will relieve much of the pain by reducing friction. This can also be helpful in preventing condoms from breaking during sex. Apply a lubricant to your partner's penis or sex toy before penetration.
- If you are using latex condoms, no use an oil lubricant. These can weaken the latex and cause the condom to tear or break. Instead, use a lubricant made with water or silicone. You can safely use all types of lubricant with nitrile or polyurethane condoms.
Step 6. Take your time
Enjoy the moment instead of rushing to the end. Take some time to identify what you and your partner enjoy. Start with light kisses, continue with more intense kisses and caresses, and stick to the rhythm that you both find most comfortable.
- Foreplay can help you relax and increase arousal at the same time. This can also increase your natural lubrication, making it easier for your partner to penetrate you without causing pain.
- Keep in mind that you can stop having sex at any time. The consent will be active and constant. You have the right to stop or stop consenting to sex at any time.
Step 7. Communicate your needs
Do not hesitate to ask for what you need at the moment. If something feels good, tell your partner. If something causes you pain or discomfort, you should also tell them. She should be willing to do what it takes to give you pleasure, instead of pain.
- If you feel pain, slow down, move more carefully, or use more lubricant. For example, if you are in pain, you could say something like, “Can we slow it down? I am feeling pain”.
- You can ask your partner to try another pose if the one they are practicing causes you discomfort. For example, if you are on top of your partner, you can better control the speed and angle of penetration.
Step 8. Do some aftercare
If you have pain or bleeding, take care of it before it gets too bad. Take an over-the-counter pain reliever, wipe off all blood, and use a light sanitary napkin for a few hours. If you are in extreme pain, you will need to talk to a trusted adult or see a health professional.
Advice
- See your doctor as soon as you can if you're experiencing excruciating pain or heavy bleeding.
- If you think tonight is not the "right" night, don't be ashamed of having to wait. A loving partner will value your feelings above all else. If you change your mind, you can tell them!
- You may feel the need to go to the bathroom during sex, which is normal. You can ease this feeling by urinating before having sex. If you continue to feel like it despite having an empty bladder, you may be able to experience female ejaculation.
- You should always urinate after sex to prevent bladder infections.
- Make an appointment at a clinic or gynecologist before becoming sexually active. These professionals will give you different birth control methods, educate you about STDs, and even give you condoms.
- Always use lubricants made with water, not petroleum jelly, oil, moisturizer, or some kind of greasy substance. Oil-based lubricants can damage the latex in condoms and cause irritation and pain, or a vaginal or yeast infection.
- The first time is never totally perfect, so you have to forget your expectations. There is no problem if your first time does not happen like in a romantic comedy.
- Use a condom even if you have another type of birth control. Hormonal contraceptives (such as pills) will only prevent pregnancy, not STIs. There is the possibility of contracting an STI in your first sexual relationship.
- If you're feeling nervous, foreplay is a good way to make yourself more comfortable with someone. Even if you don't want to have sex yet, it can make you feel more comfortable and confident in what you do.
Warnings
- Don't give in to pressure from your partner. This will be your decision and nobody else's.
- There is a chance of getting pregnant the first time you have sex. Condoms are very effective when used correctly; however, you should use another type of contraceptive along with them, if possible.
- Do not drink alcohol or use any type of drug for fear of pain. This could further aggravate the situation.
- If your partner has had multiple partners, you should ask him or her to be tested for STIs. STIs are spread through vaginal, anal, and oral sex. People can carry and transmit STIs without showing symptoms. You can reduce your chances of getting an STD by using condoms, dental dams, and other barrier methods.
- Taking birth control pills and taking other medications (such as antibiotics) can sometimes alter the effects of the pills. Always consult a doctor before you start taking any medication, this way you will determine if it will have negative interactions with your contraceptives.