During the divorce of a couple with children, resentment and hard feelings can lead to parental alienation. This occurs when one parent uses emotionally manipulative tactics to convince the child that the other parent is a bad person and does not love or care about him. This is rarely the case, and in reality, the parent who is a victim of this manipulation would do anything to stop this abusive behavior and establish a positive relationship with their child. If your former partner tries to alienate you from your child, you may be able to get the court to side with you, but to do so, you must first be able to prove that parental alienation is taking place. This can be very difficult.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Record Behavior Patterns
Step 1. Keep a journal
Record daily (if you have not already done so) everything that happens in relation to your son, such as conversations or incidents involving his other parent.
- These records could play a critical role in proving parental alienation, as this process may involve rebuttal of the other parent's allegations.
- For example, the other parent could file a petition to modify your parenting plan because you don't have time to spend with your child. If you have detailed records of all the times you have spent time with your child, such as tickets to an event or activity and photos of both of you, you can prove that this is just an attempt by the other parent to distance yourself from your child or harm their relationship..
- Record the special requests by your ex-partner or the modifications they have requested to the paternity plan established by the court (if applicable). Often times, the parent who encourages alienation will request modifications and then blame you if you disagree with them.
- If you have recurring problems with the time you spend with your child or sticking to the schedule established by the court, it is particularly important to have a record of all your activities.
- Keep in mind that each court will establish differently the control that a child may have in deciding whether to visit the non-custodial parent. Often this will also depend on the age of the child. However, courts are often fond of a parent giving their child the option to do something that goes against a court order. So if your child says something like "Dad said I didn't have to come visit you next week if I didn't want to," include it in your record to use as evidence of possible parental alienation.
- If you are having difficulty communicating with your ex, make an effort to get everything in writing so that both of you can have a record of what you discussed. Also keep copies of text messages or emails, as these could serve as evidence in case, later on, your ex claims that they did not agree with something or tries to claim that you agreed with something when they did not. So.
- Also keep a log in case your ex sends you alienating or accusing messages and order them chronologically so that you can show that there is a pattern of alienation.
Step 2. Pay attention to warning signs
The symptoms of parental alienation can be reflected in changes in your child's attitude or in certain behaviors of his.
- Alienation has different types, each with its own red flags. Almost as important as recognizing that alienation is taking place in the first place is understanding the type of alienation in question. This is because, to combat each of them, different strategies are usually necessary.
- Keep in mind that many of the parents who try to alienate their children still have what is best for them in mind. Therefore, if they understand how this behavior is detrimental to their children's development, they will be willing to seek help.
- Also, there is a difference between parental alienation and parental alienation syndrome. The symptoms of the latter are usually found in the child's behavior.
- For example, if your child is reluctant to visit you or does not want to spend time with you, this may be more related to parental alienation than not loving you or not liking spending time with you.
- For example, if a parent encourages alienation, they might support your child when he refuses to visit you, even if there is no reason for this attitude on the part of your child. The other parent will take it as a sign that your child prefers him over you.
- Be careful that your child keeps secrets from the other parent, including signs and keywords. For example, your son may not want to tell you what he did with his father the weekend before. You might even say "Daddy told me not to tell you" or "Daddy told me it was a secret." If your ex-husband asks your son to keep things from you, this is evidence of parental alienation, even if what they did was as simple and innocent as attending a baseball game.
Step 3. Talk to your child
It's essential that the lines of communication are kept open, especially since the other parent might try to convince your child that you don't love or care about him. Listen carefully to your child, validate his feelings, and make it very clear that you care.
- Pay attention if you notice your child repeating what the other parent says instead of expressing their own feelings or explaining something in their own words. For example, if you ask your daughter why she didn't come to visit you the Saturday before, she might reply, "Mom told me you were too busy and couldn't be with me."
- In case the other parent abuses your child or puts ideas in his head that your own actions are abusive, you should address it immediately and seek professional help for your child.
- Ask your child questions about what they do when they are at your ex's house, but do not make them exploratory or leading. You must be willing to listen to your child if he wants to talk to you about what he did at his other parent's house. However, you should not try to snoop or extract information that could be harmful.
- If your child tells you something that implies that he is the victim of abusive or negligent behavior, instead of annoying you and constantly asking the same thing, you should seek professional help. Keep in mind that your child is likely to be very uncomfortable if, for example, he feels that he is "accusing" his other parent.
Step 4. Enforce all custody or visitation orders
The other parent might go out of their way to get in the way of the visitation schedule, but it's still important that your child spend time with both of you.
- Contact your attorney and the court immediately if the other parent violates a custody or visitation order. You should make it clear to your child that court orders must be followed or they will carry serious consequences.
- Also keep in mind that the courts in most places will consider a violation of the standard of what is best for the child to systematically obstruct a parenting plan that they have established.
- If the other parent does not want to provide you with your child's school or medical records under the original order, you should request that the court enforce the order instead of seeking help on your own. The fact that the other parent wants to hide these files from you could be considered a sign of parental alienation and is certainly not a way to encourage both parents to be fully involved in their child's life.
- Later, you can use court records to prove parental alienation took place in case further problems arise. If your ex-partner refuses to cooperate and to allow you access to documents related to the health and well-being of your child, the court will recognize that this is not in the best interest of the child.
- If the other parent recommends or suggests something, before agreeing to it, you should research it and consider their motivations. Read all court documentation carefully and look for loopholes in anything your ex seems very willing to suggest or agree to.
- In many places, courts do not necessarily recognize "parental alienation syndrome" as such, but generally, when determining what will be best for the child, they must consider the evidence of this alienation along with other factors.
- Likewise, the ideal of the child having a close and ongoing relationship with both parents is a policy that courts adhere to in many places. Therefore, if one parent intends to alienate or alienate the other, this is often not seen as the best thing for the child.
Step 5. Ask the court for a guardian ad litem
This consists of a court official whose job it is to represent what is best for the child and monitor that the other parent complies with court orders.
The court may ask the guardian ad litem to visit the child at the other parent's home to observe interactions between the two. You will need to interview both parents and the child, both together and separately, and then report your findings to the court
Step 6. Talk to your lawyer
If you think you have evidence of parental alienation, your attorney will know the best way to inform the court.
- Keep in mind that parental alienation syndrome is not a "syndrome" in medical terms, that is, it is not a mental problem that develops within a person. Instead, this term refers to a kind of dysfunctional relationship between both parents and between child and parent that encourages alienation.
- Although the courts usually accept evidence of parental alienation and alienating behavior and take it into consideration, many of them will not accept a diagnosis of "parental alienation syndrome" in the child, since this has not been recognized by the American Psychological Association nor is it listed in the latest Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). Therefore, it cannot be legally classified as a mental disorder.
- The process to determine the effect that parental alienation has on your relationship with your child is complex and often requires the help of the court. It is also not something to be determined overnight.
- You should also contact your attorney if your ex continually requests changes to the visitation schedule or arranges special trips or trips in an attempt to tempt your child not to attend a scheduled visit. You should also determine whether or not you should involve the court in these cases. Courts are aware that parenting plans can be flexible and must take into account the needs of parents and children. However, if one of the parents always tries to modify the plan established by the court, this could be considered alienating behavior and should not be encouraged.
Step 7. Take the other parent's statement
In the event that your ex-partner files a petition to modify custody and you consider that their motivation is parental alienation, you should take their statement to assess their reasons for submitting the petition and what they hope to obtain.
- Consult with your attorney about the questions you can ask to get alienating answers. For example, your lawyer might ask your ex-partner if he has ever talked to your son about your personal life or if he has ever made a negative comment about you.
- Your attorney may want to hire an expert to assist in the taking of the statement as a listener or to review the transcript and analyze the responses.
- In the case of many courts, consideration will be given to whether one parent talks to the child in a degrading way about the other parent, talks to the child about the divorce process, or encourages the child's disobedience or disrespect towards the other parent. During the taking of your ex's statement, you can ask him questions about these behaviors.
Part 2 of 3: Talk to Witnesses
Step 1. Talk to other adults who regularly spend time with your child
Your child may not talk much to you directly, but he may mention certain things to other adults.
- Be aware that there could be other family members contributing to parental alienation. For example, this occurs when the other parent feels like a victim. If you were the one who asked your ex-husband for a divorce and he didn't want it, he might consider that the marriage ended because of you. Therefore, naturally, your parents or siblings could be on your side and believe everything your ex says about you even if it is not true.
- The most reliable sources of information regarding the other parent's actions are neutral third parties, such as your child's teachers or coaches. For example, if your ex-husband encourages parental alienation, a teacher might notice that your child's behavior varies when he is with his other parent compared to when he is with you.
- Caring people in your community, such as teachers, coaches, and religious leaders, often genuinely care about what will be best for your child. Therefore, when you try to prove parental alienation, they can be good witnesses in your favor.
Step 2. Correct false or distorted information
Make sure your child and other adults know what the truth is, as parents who encourage parental alienation often lie to turn your child against the other parent.
- If you tend to be in contact with adults who take sides for your ex and not for you, this could be difficult. For example, if your ex-husband told his sister that you are an alcoholic, it will be very difficult for you to convince her that it is not true, since his natural impulse will be to protect his brother and trust him.
- Parents who practice alienation may foster an "us versus them" mentality. Therefore, you must emphasize that you only want the best for your son and that you do not want to antagonize your ex.
Step 3. Consider having your child speak with a psychologist
Psychological treatment can become essential, both to prove parental alienation and for the health of your child.
- Your child is likely to tell his psychologist things that he would not tell you. Also, psychologists are trained to detect the importance of certain patterns of behavior and behavior that you might be overlooking.
- Your child may also be more comfortable talking about what the other parent has said about you than telling you directly.
- You may be able to obtain a court order for the psychological evaluation of your child in some cases. To find out what the process is for this where you live, check with your lawyer. You can use the psychological examiner's report as evidence to prove that parental alienation took place.
- If you are having difficulties with the other parent or if you think your child has parental alienation syndrome, you can also get help from your local children's services agency. These types of agencies can provide you with resources that can help you and that will cost you less than paying for a private psychologist or psychiatrist.
- Keep in mind that you need to be able to prove that your ex's negative behavior really hurts your child in order to prove parental alienation. To do this, you may need the testimony of a child psychologist or psychiatrist.
Part 3 of 3: Protect Your Child
Step 1. Maintain the relationship with him
Proving the other parent wrong is the best way to combat their attempts to emotionally manipulate your child.
- Do not give up just because your ex makes things very difficult for you and always keep in mind what is best for your child. If you stop worrying about him or if you constantly agree to your ex's demands, your child will pick up on it.
- You should also preserve the relationships your child has with your own family members and with others in your community. You can encourage your child to play with other children or get involved in community activities. In this way, you will reinforce their connection with you in a positive way and help to combat the effects of alienation.
Step 2. Avoid negative interactions with the other parent
If you fight with your ex-partner, especially in front of your son, you will only manage to confuse him more and give more arguments to the father that encourages alienation.
When resolving disagreements you have with the other parent, try to keep your child on the sidelines. Because you are divorced, your child already knows that you and the other parent don't get along. However, you should avoid involving your child in these disagreements or making him feel that the problems with your ex are his fault
Step 3. Avoid badmouthing the other parent in the presence of your child
Don't forget that parental alienation is a form of emotional abuse. Therefore, you should also avoid falling into the same behaviors.
- Children can ignore sporadic insults when it is obvious that you are angry or frustrated. However, keep in mind that these comments can have serious consequences, especially if the other parent says the same about you.
- Work on maintaining a positive relationship with your child and paying attention to your own behavior. Control your expressions of anger and suffering. Name your emotions and then redirect the situation. For example, you could say to your child, "I'm really frustrated right now, but I don't want to think about it too much. We'd better go do something fun." Face your difficult emotions when you are not in the presence of your child.
- Don't talk about the other parent in a negative way or accuse them of anything. Instead, focus on your child's health and well-being. Contact law enforcement immediately if you really believe that your child is in danger or that the other parent is abusing or neglecting him.
Step 4. Have conversations with your child that are age appropriate
Parents who practice alienation often tell their children things that they are still too young to understand.
- It could also be the case that the parent who encourages alienation gives the child the opportunity to make decisions that are not yet mature to make.
- For example, you could ask your child to choose between one of his parents or imply that he can choose whether or not he wants to comply with visits ordered by the court.
- Other types of parental alienation involve asking the child to secretly obtain information that can be used against the other parent or trying to use the child as a witness against them. It is important that the child is not involved in a relationship between adults.
- Be careful not to give your child information for which he is not yet the appropriate level of maturity in case he asks you questions about what the other parent has said. There are ways you can answer honestly while explaining that you will discuss the matter in more detail at a later time.
Step 5. Request a court order prohibiting a certain conduct
If the other parent exhibits specific alienating behavior, you can go to court and ask a judge to ban it.
- For example, it could be considered a sign of parental alienation that your ex-husband does not allow your child to bring his favorite toys home with him or that he does not allow your son to keep the gifts you give him. To combat it, you can ask the court to issue an order prohibiting your ex-husband from taking your son's things.
- It is also possible to request a court order that prohibits your ex-husband from scheduling events or activities that conflict with the visitation schedule or a court order that allows you to make phone calls at certain times of the day.
- You can also ask the court for supervised visits if you are concerned that your child's safety or well-being is in danger when you visit your ex. The supervisor will not be an obstacle to the time your ex spends with your child but will be able to observe them to make sure that your ex is not left alone with him.