Going through a divorce will significantly affect your children. That said, divorce could indeed lead to healthier relationships between everyone involved in the long run. While getting used to new situations and new family dynamics will likely lead to tension and conflict between you and your children, you can learn to help them deal with initial emotions and adjust to their new lives after divorce.
Steps
Method 1 of 4: Talk to Your Kids About Divorce
Step 1. Tell your children as soon as possible
Once you are certain that you and your spouse will be separated, you will need to tell your children. Make sure you are calm and collected when you decide to tell your children and have them sit with you in a private place. If your children immediately have a lot of questions, tell them that things will be different but that they will address each problem as it arises.
Step 2. Let specific circumstances dictate some decisions
If you and your spouse have decided to separate amicably, the two of you should tell your children together. This will convey that you and your spouse still respect each other and that you will both remain actively involved in your children's lives. If the separation is hostile, it is probably best to tell your children on your own in a quiet environment.
- If you have multiple children, especially those of similar ages, you should sit them down and break the news at the same time.
- If you have children of significantly different ages, you may want to tell your older children first. If they have specific questions, you can answer them more directly.
Step 3. Be honest and direct
Being honest does not mean including all the details. While there may be some specific and important reasons why the divorce will occur, it is best to explain the reasons why you are getting divorced in a slightly more general way. However, you should still be honest and explain the situation in a way that softens the impact.
- For example, if both parents are present during the conversation, then you can start by saying "We love you" or say "I love you" if only one is present. Then you can say something like, “We have tried everything we could; however, our marriage does not work and that is why now we are going to live apart, we are going to get divorced”.
- Keep the information very simple with younger or school-age children.
- Older children may demand more information; however, you will still need to choose your answers carefully.
Step 4. Tell your children that you love them
This basic step is extremely important. Children can easily be confused and scared by a divorce. Remind them how much you care for them and that you are still their father. Be explicit and say something like "I want you to know that this will not change how I feel about you at all, I still love you and I am very happy to be your father."
After telling your children that you love them, it will also be important to tell them that they did not do anything to cause the divorce. Try saying something like "This has absolutely nothing to do with you or something you did, you didn't do something that caused this situation, it's just a problem between me and your dad (mom)." Make sure to repeat it to your children several times to help them understand that they are not to blame
Step 5. Prepare to answer the questions
The news could shock your children and they may very well feel emotionally upset. Younger children may not know what divorce is and will need an explanation that you will no longer be married and will not be living together. Allow your young children to express their sadness or anger and focus on the fact that you love them. In addition to anger or sadness, many children will have a lot of questions. Be prepared to answer questions that you can anticipate beforehand, and be willing to admit that you are still understanding the problem.
If you're not sure how to answer certain questions, it's perfectly okay to admit it. Say something like, "I don't know now, but we're going to figure it out and we'll be fine."
Step 6. Give your children all information about the immediate changes
Include any information you have agreed on with your spouse about where each of you will live and other logistical considerations such as which school the children will go to. The idea is to provide as much information as you can about the next changes in your children's lives and to reaffirm the things that will remain the same. Some specific things that they will be curious about and that you will probably want to address are the following:
- whether or not they will move and where they will live
- the place where each parent will live
- some specific details (for example, how the holidays and summer vacations will be spent)
Step 7. Present a united front with your child's other parent
In particular, don't blame your spouse for the divorce. Even if your spouse caused the separation, it can be harmful for your children to be critical of him (her). If possible, talk to your spouse about what you will say to your children and come to an agreement on that.
- More generally, don't badmouth your spouse to your children. That will not contribute positively to their lives.
- Keep in mind that your children will probably still have a relationship with the other parent and it will be in their interest if that relationship is healthy.
Method 2 of 4: Raising Your Children in Separate Homes
Step 1. Maintain stability and structure in your children's daily routine
If you will be raising your children cooperatively with the other parent while you are separated, it will be important to be on the same page regarding your children's daily lives. Children find structures comfortable and uncertainty about the basics of everyday life will add to the stress and frustration they might be experiencing.
Organize and keep a regular schedule regarding who will bring the children to school or who will pick them up. These aspects of a child's life matter more than you think
Step 2. Agree on some basic guidelines about the rules
You and your spouse should come to some agreement about the rules that will be upheld in both homes, as well as the penalties for breaking them. While some rules may vary, any agreement on when and how you will punish your children will benefit everyone involved.
- For example, agree on a curfew for children who are old enough to go out with friends on the weekends. Agreeing and enforcing even the basic criteria will present a unified disciplinary approach.
- Also, talk about the things your children can have. If possible, avoid scenarios in which certain things (for example, violent video games) are allowed in one home and not the other. Unbalanced disciplinary approaches will be divisive and damaging to all.
Step 3. Avoid fighting in front of your children
Whether in person or over the phone, don't allow your children to witness emotional disagreements between you and the other parent. These disagreements are likely to occur; however, both of you must be careful not to risk further traumatizing your children by continuing to fight in front of them.
- If you have something to talk about with your child's other parent, set a time to meet when your children are not around, or just make a phone call.
- If they are not available when you call, ask to arrange a time to speak and specify what you hope to speak about.
Step 4. Be discreet, polite, and positive
This could certainly prove to be challenging. Remind yourself that it is in your children's best interest to treat the other parent with respect. In particular, don't say anything derogatory about him (her). Focus on the positive aspects of the other parent and remember that your children will have a strong bond with him (her).
- Set a good example for your children on how to act mature and kind.
- Under no circumstances make an effort to undermine your children's relationship with the other parent. It can be detrimental to your child and your relationship with him (her).
Step 5. Encourage your children to get along with each other
Children of any age are likely to develop a stronger bond with each other when going through a divorce together. Never be envious of the strength of a relationship your child has with other family members, and encourage it if possible.
- If you know that one of your children has had a bad time, ask them if they have talked to their siblings about it.
- This applies to children of similar ages who could understand how the other is feeling or to children of different ages who could offer advice or comfort to the other.
Step 6. Introduce the new partner slowly and carefully
You should wait a while before introducing a new romantic partner to your children after the divorce. This is especially important if infidelity was one of the reasons for the divorce. Your children's comfort and access to you should take immediate priority over any post-divorce romantic relationships.
- Don't expect your children to be immediately affectionate towards your romantic partner, particularly if you had an affair during your marriage.
- Regardless of the circumstances, know that your children will likely come to respect any new relationships you develop, although it will take time.
Method 3 of 4: Help children express themselves
Step 1. Make sure they know that the divorce was not their fault
This is a point that you may have to reiterate to your children since it is essential that they know that they are not the reason why you and your spouse are going to separate. Help them express themselves by encouraging them to talk about how they feel about you.
Understand that you may need to specifically remind them that the divorce was not their fault by saying things like, “We decided to get divorced so that we won't fight as often; however, we are still your parents and we will both always be here for you. "
Step 2. Listen carefully to what your children say
Your children will experience several different strong emotions in response to the news of your separation. However, they may internalize their feelings or have difficulty expressing them. Help them find the words for what they are feeling by asking if they are sad or frustrated when you notice they have a mood swing.
- Know that your children's feelings may fluctuate. It might seem that one day they feel good about everything; however, the next day they could be very upset.
- Let them know that what they feel is fine and that they should feel free to be completely honest with you.
Step 3. Respond with compassion and support
Verbally acknowledge the legitimacy of the feelings they share with you so that you show them that you trust them and that they can trust you. Never say they must feel a certain way or ignore the emotions they experience. Say something like, "I understand why you feel that way, and I am sorry that it is very difficult for all of us."
Step 4. Know that your child will heal with your support
If you provide consistent love and support to your children, they will be able to cope with the reality of your divorce. Feel free to express your love and trust and remind them often that you love them and that you will always be there for them.
The most important thing is that you must be there for them. This means spending time with your children and allowing them space and opportunity to talk to you about how they feel when they are comfortable doing so
Step 5. Get professional help for children
Be on the lookout for signs that your child is having trouble handling emotions after your divorce. This includes children of all ages, from infancy to adulthood. In addition to counselors and therapists, some of whom specialize in working with children, you should know that there are online and face-to-face support groups for children going through their parents' divorce.
Recognize that even adult children may experience upsetting emotions after your divorce, and watch for signs that they may need additional support
Method 4 of 4: Recognize How Age Affects Children's Response to Divorce
Step 1. Know that even babies will be affected by the divorce
Although babies may not be able to understand what is happening, they will often feel and reflect the parents' discomfort, sadness and stress. If your baby is more fussy than usual, starts crying more often, or even has trouble sleeping or digesting, recognize that this could reflect anxiety related to your divorce.
- Try to convey a sense of calm around your baby.
- In particular, avoid having emotional arguments when your baby is around.
Step 2. Reassure your young children often
Kindergarten and preschool children are especially prone to blaming themselves for the separation as they are likely to interpret their parents' unhappiness as their own fault. If your child begins to misbehave more often, becomes more insecure, or is easily upset or scared, make an active effort to reassure him more often by telling him that you love him, and hug and pet him when he is upset.
Step 3. Be patient with school-age children
Preteen children may become especially frustrated by the emotions they feel as a result of your divorce. Pay attention to fluctuating signs of a bad mood, increased aggressiveness, discomfort with gender identities, and feelings of being cheated on or rejected. Performance in school could also drop, and children this age could even seek punishment.
- Respond to these events by being more available to your child and responding to their emotional extremes with patience.
- Encourage them to share how they feel and make sure they know they can talk to you whenever they want.
Step 4. Know that teens can misbehave after a divorce
Teens can go through all kinds of emotional turmoil, including lowered self-esteem. They might even try to develop their autonomy before they can in order to try to deal with the negative feelings they associate with your divorce.
- Watch for signs of trouble with friends, substance abuse, disinterest in school, depression, and even inappropriate sexual behavior.
- Tell your teens that you remember how difficult it can be to be young and cope with parents who have a hard time getting along.
- If there is a risk that any of their behaviors will get out of control, ask your child to speak with a counselor or therapist.