Does your mother-in-law try to rule your house as if it were hers, criticize your every action and break in without warning? If you are fed up, you should indicate how you feel to your spouse. Set clear boundaries and have your spouse discuss the problem with their mother. If you have to defend yourself in the moment, you should be assertive, but stay calm. Calmly and firmly tell him that his behavior is inappropriate and that you will not tolerate it.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Addressing Issues in the Moment
Step 1. Learn to choose your battles
It won't be worth bothering you whenever your mother-in-law asks you about something personal or makes you lose your patience. Stay calm and ignore minor complaints. Save your energy for times when you push boundaries in more significant ways.
For example, if he came to your house for dinner and said something like, "The chicken is fine, but I would have spiced it up more," ignore it. Say "Thanks for the advice!"
Step 2. Apply limits calmly and firmly whenever necessary
Stand up for yourself, but don't disrespect or yell at him. If you have to tell him to calm down, try to keep your tone neutral and objective. Do your best to stay calm to prevent the conflict from escalating.
- Imagine that he keeps asking you about personal issues, like why you don't go to his church or how many exes you have. Say something like, “I'd rather not talk about it. Let's talk about something else.
- If he comes home unannounced, say, “This is not a good time. We've already talked about calling ahead to find out if it's an appropriate time. You will have to come back at another time”.
Step 3. Kindly ratify your authority if he tries to rule your house
If he tends to take over when he comes to visit, you should ask him to sit down and calm down. Thank you for wanting to help, but emphasize that you have everything under control.
- For example, if you invite her to your house for dinner and she tries to take over the kitchen, say, “Thank you for offering your help, but I can take care of it! Sit back and relax. I don't like making visitors work!”.
- If she insists on helping, you could give her a simple task to keep her out of the way, like cutting the vegetables or making the salad.
Step 4. Stand up for yourself if you are repeatedly disrespected
Tell him to stop if he keeps criticizing you, teasing you about a private matter, and invading your personal space. Still, you shouldn't yell at him or get angry, but make it clear that you won't tolerate any more disrespect.
Say something like, “We've talked about it before and I'm uncomfortable with the way you keep interfering in my house. I've tried to be nice and I want to keep things calm, but you have to stop. "
Part 2 of 3: bonding with your spouse
Step 1. Explain how you feel to your partner
Respect her relationship with her mother, but explain your need for personal space and autonomy. State your needs clearly and point out the specific issues that need to be addressed. Keep a positive tone and remind your spouse that you don't blame him for his mother's actions.
- You can say, “I understand that you have a close relationship with your mother, and I don't want to intrude. However, I need limits. It's not right for me to come unannounced or to criticize my parenting skills. "
- Bring up your feelings as soon as you can. You can deal with problems more easily and without conflict if you address them as soon as possible.
Step 2. Tell him that you understand that he is in a difficult position
Let him know that you understand how difficult it is to find yourself in the middle of conflict. Emphasize that the relationship between you and your spouse is not related to the conflict with your mother-in-law.
Say something like, “I understand that you are in a difficult position. I don't want you to feel like you have to choose between me and your family. I love you and these problems should not separate us”
Step 3. Talk to your spouse to devise clear boundaries
In addition to explaining your needs, ask how they view the role of their mother in their lives and what is the most effective way to deal with the problems you face with her. Talk to her to identify a middle ground that satisfies both parties.
- Maybe your spouse doesn't mind that it comes unannounced and wants it to be a close part of their lives. You could invite her to dinner at your house one day of the week to meet your partner's needs, and ask her to call before visiting.
- Come to an agreement with your partner, but express your needs clearly. Say, “I'm glad you have such a close relationship with your parents, and I want to support you. However, I am your partner and I also need your support. Keeping our privacy a secret doesn't mean you can't have a close relationship with your mother. "
Step 4. Ask him to talk to his mother alone
After you have devised the solutions, your spouse should talk with their mother alone. Know that it will be their responsibility to take care of problems with their parents. If in doubt, explain that he should take control, just as you would if there was a problem with your parents.
Say, “You have to tell your mother to give us some space. If you ever have a problem with my parents, I would have to take control. Be assertive, but respectful. Tell her that we are not going to exclude her, but that we have to set limits”
Step 5. Remind him that he has to watch out for you
She must defend you, from setting limits to controlling criticism or disrespect in the moment. In married couples, loyalty to the other is the main thing.
- Make sure your spouse takes control of applying the limits and responds to your mother before you have to. This could be more effective than making a statement about it.
- If your mother-in-law looks down on you, your spouse should calmly say, “Please don't insult him in this way. If you are disrespecting my spouse, you are also disrespecting me, and that is wrong. "
- If your partner does not defend you, say “We are a team and it hurts me that you did not defend me when your mother insulted me. I don't want to leave you in the center of the problem, but you have to watch over me”.
Part 3 of 3: Set Healthy Limits
Step 1. Tell her that all her friends and family should call before visiting
You and your spouse could point out to your mother-in-law that they have a rule that all guests must "call before" going to see them. Putting it in general terms can help her feel less offended and avoid conflict.
Your spouse might say something like, “Don't feel like we don't want to spend time with you. We just prefer that our friends and family call ahead to ensure that it is an appropriate time for them to visit us. "
Step 2. Use specific times and dates when planning visits
If your mother-in-law tends to stay too long, you should give her the start and end time when you make plans. When the time is up, you should gently and firmly indicate to him that he should go.
- For example, say something like, “You can come for lunch at noon, but Sam and I have some errands to run after 3:00 pm. m.”.
- Being in a neutral place will also be a good way to prevent your in-laws from staying longer than they should. Instead of inviting them over to your house, meet at a restaurant or park.
Step 3. Don't borrow money from your in-laws or accept their support
By staying away from each other's financial situation, this can avoid conflicts over money. Also, if you borrow money or accept support from your mother-in-law, she might take the opportunity to exercise her authority.
Imagine that you borrow money from him in order to pay for something for your son, like his tuition. Your mother-in-law might bring it up when you ask her not to be involved in your parenting decisions
Step 4. Explain your parenting rules clearly, if you have children
When you take care of them, you should tell them what your children can eat and when they should eat, and when they should take naps or go to bed. Point out which TV shows, movies, and other entertainment media are prohibited; and note if they have homework from school or some other kind.
- They will have already raised children, so sometimes they will not respond well to long and detailed lists of instructions. Use short, relevant guidelines, such as “Don't let the kids watch TV or play video games until they have finished their homework” or “Billy needs to take his allergy medicine at 7:00 pm. m. Verify that he takes it”.
- Keep in mind that your mother-in-law may not always follow your parenting style. It is best if you ignore minor problems (eg, giving your children ice cream against your will).
- If they have a disagreement about parenting, make sure the children can't hear them. Don't let your mother-in-law verbally disparage your authority in front of them.
- Giving her opportunities to care for your children can make her feel needy. If you feel like you play an important role, you might refrain from taking control of other aspects of your life. However, if she often contradicts your wishes when it comes to childcare, you may need to prevent her from taking care of them again.
Step 5. Spend time with her only if your spouse is present
To keep things peaceful, you don't need to become best friends with your mother-in-law. Limit your contact with her when your spouse is not around, especially if she is putting you down or criticizing you frequently.
For example, if you are dropping your kids off at her house, say hello and be nice, but don't stay there all afternoon. Say “Well, it's been nice talking to you, but I have to go. I'll be back for the children around five. "
Step 6. Don't complain about her to your children or other mothers-in-law
You can vent to your spouse or a trusted friend, but don't badmouth her in front of your children. Also, do not complain to any of your brothers-in-law or other relatives of your spouse.
Your mother-in-law shouldn't know that you've been talking about her behind her back. Your brothers-in-law may complain about their mother in front of you, but the wisest thing to do is not contribute to the conversation
Advice
- Do your best not to get angry. Try to empathize with your mother-in-law, especially if her nosy behavior is not malicious. Maybe you just want to help or fear losing touch with your daughter.
- Asking her for advice from time to time can help make her feel important. By meeting her needs by asking her for advice, she could stop pushing your limits.
- Put her in her place. Stand firm and let him know if he's crossing the line.