A difficult mother-in-law can be a serious problem, as it can interfere with raising your children, make it difficult for you to feel comfortable in the presence of your family, and even create a rift between you and your spouse. Most of the time, your mother-in-law's problems will be more closely related to her fears and insecurities, and therefore you should do your best not to take them personally or internalize them. You can deal with a difficult mother-in-law by talking to your spouse to develop a strategy together. After agreeing on a way to deal with the problem, be consistent to convey the message that you are serious about confronting the problem and that you deserve respect.
Steps
Method 1 of 5: Collaborate with your spouse
Step 1. Talk to your spouse to determine if this has always been a problem
If your mother-in-law has always been critical, demanding, or argumentative, you may simply need to come up with a strategy to minimize and deal with the behavior. If it is a new behavior and is directed solely at you, there is likely an underlying issue that needs to be addressed. Talk to your spouse to better understand your mother-in-law.
If you're nervous about bringing it up, you can say, "I would like to talk about the way your mother has been acting, but I don't want to fight. I just want to talk about the problem to see if we can find a solution."
Tip:
you will have a better chance of being successful if you work with your spouse on this issue. He will have many insights, plus you could create a rift between you and your spouse if you behave unexpectedly with your mother-in-law.
Step 2. Ask your spouse for support or to talk to their mother if their focus is solely on you
By presenting a united front with your spouse, you are sending the message to your mother-in-law that her behavior is not acceptable. If your spouse confronts the problem first, this indicates that you both acknowledge it. Ask your partner to talk to her privately to see if she can find the root of the problem. If your spouse isn't comfortable getting in the way, ask him to at the very least stand up for you when your mother-in-law goes out of line.
- Ask your spouse to talk to you after you have had a private conversation with their mother. You may have important information about what the root of the problem is.
- Tell your spouse, "I really think it will be easier for you to talk to her than me. If you talk to her first and find out why she is not behaving fairly, it will be easier for me to sit with her."
Step 3. Develop a strategy together to solve the problem
Avoid going ahead and start talking or arguing with your mother-in-law without checking with your spouse first. If you step out of line or get into an argument without agreeing on a coping strategy, you may eventually offend your spouse. Decide together if you want to confront, deflect, or avoid the problem so that you have the best chance of success.
Even if you want to deal with the problem by talking privately with your mother-in-law, you should still discuss it with your partner first. She may have some advice on how to talk to her and you should let her know in case your mother-in-law comes to check in with your partner after talking to you
Method 2 of 5: Dealing with a controlling mother-in-law
Step 1. Don't try to solve the problem in a private conversation
A controlling mother-in-law is likely to act out of an urge to care for her child. If you broach the subject with her when your partner is away, she will automatically consider that you are betraying her son's trust and that you are not doing things for their good.
Also, she may not trust the decisions you make, so confronting her in private could backfire and lead to an argument
Step 2. Explain the reasons why you are not complying with your mother-in-law's demands
In case your mother-in-law tends to demand a lot, calmly explain your reasoning for doing something differently and thus give her the impression that you are not simply trying to annoy her. If you just ignore her, she'll just think she needs to push harder. By explaining what you're doing, in addition to showing that you're willing to stand up for yourself, you could point out something that hasn't occurred to her and get her to agree with you.
- For example, if they say you don't appreciate your partner, calmly explain, "I express appreciation in private all the time, just not in front of you. I don't want to disrespect you by making a show of it."
- In case your mother-in-law keeps asking you when they will have children, turn the issue around the quality of life for your children to give the impression that you have thought it through. You can say, "We are waiting until we have established a college fund to give you the best possible future."
Step 3. Wait until he is gone to have important conversations about key decisions
If your mother-in-law tends to intrude on key decisions or conversations, just wait until she is away or they will talk about it in another part of the house. You will not be able to enter your opinion if you are not present for it.
A simple way to deflect a difficult conversation in front of your mother-in-law is by saying "We can talk about it later."
Tip:
Set up a sign with your spouse to indicate that you want to speak privately. It can be something as simple as a jerk of the ear or a harmless phrase like "We have to go grocery shopping soon." This will allow you to prevent your mother-in-law from being offended because you plan to discuss something when she is away.
Step 4. Express gratitude to your spouse in front of your mother-in-law
In case she tends to criticize you specifically, try to show a great deal of affection and appreciation to your spouse when she is present. You may relax if you consider that both of you are working toward a common goal of making your child happy.
- With simple comments (for example, "I appreciate you picking up the kids today. You're a great couple!"), You can easily score points in front of your mother-in-law.
- This is a good strategy if your mother-in-law has expressed concerns about your loyalty or dedication. By showing her that you care about her child, you will relax her and make her feel less of an obligation to meddle.
Method 3 of 5: Dealing with an argumentative or critical mother-in-law
Step 1. Contact your mother-in-law asking what the underlying problem is
Invite her out for coffee or lunch and explain that you don't want any hard feelings and that you respect her. Calmly explain that you think they argue with you a lot and ask what you can do to help solve the problem. While you may not like their answers, you will gain some insight into the underlying problem.
- If your mother-in-law completely denies the fact that she argues with you, she may simply have no idea that she is, which could indicate that she is not actively trying to criticize you. Drop the subject and see if their behavior changes after you let them know.
- If your mother-in-law just says she doesn't like you, you won't be able to do much. Avoid arguments with her and agree to disagree to show her that you are a worthy partner for her son.
Tip:
maybe the problem has nothing to do with you. It is possible that things are going sour with your husband or something that is happening at work is bothering you. If that's the case, offer to help her in any way you can. Maybe he'll stop taking it out on you.
Step 2. Ask your spouse to talk to her in case she is not communicating effectively
If she can't even talk about the problem without starting a fight, ask your spouse to talk to her. Ask her to reassure her and open a channel of communication with her. She may just feel uncomfortable talking to you about her complaints.
If you are not communicating constructively, avoid starting an argument. Your mother-in-law will likely try to provoke a fight, creating a vicious cycle where you reward her by giving her what she wants
Step 3. Stand up for yourself in case it catches your eye in public
In case your mother-in-law attacks you when you are in front of your spouse or your children, defend yourself to show that you will not allow them to treat you unfairly. Point out in a firm and respectful tone of voice that they are being irresponsible and focus on their behavior rather than the content of the discussion.
- For example, in case she says something like "You are very bad at monitoring things. Why are you so disastrously disorganized?", You can respond by saying "Mrs. Suarez, I don't know why you consider it reasonable to try to embarrass your partner. son, but it's not acceptable. Please stop. "
- Point out that there is a time and place for difficult conversations. You can say "We can have an adult conversation about this in private, but I will not sit here arguing in front of our guests."
Step 4. Choose your battles carefully to show that the problem is her
In case she is trying to argue in front of the guests and the topic of the discussion is absurd or insignificant, just let her speak and keep your answers short. She will show everyone how angry she is, while you will prove how calm and balanced you are. It may also have the effect of reassuring her when she sees that you are not responding.
- This is a particularly good strategy in case you are having difficulty convincing your spouse that this is a problem.
- If your mother-in-law says something like "I can't believe you haven't signed your kids up for summer camp. Why are you so inattentive to their needs?" go ahead and make a fool of yourself. You will seem like a reasonable person who is open to advice, while she will seem childish and argumentative.
Method 4 of 5: Reassure an Old-Fashioned Mother-in-Law
Step 1. Discuss the problem in private to determine the root of the issue
Offer to invite your mother-in-law for coffee or lunch, and ask her to discuss the problem when you are seated. To start, explain that you are not angry or upset, but just want to understand why she is so critical. There may be an underlying problem that is bothering her, and by discussing the problem in a collaborative way, you will get closer to solving it.
To start, make the issue about you. You can say, "I would love for us to sit down and talk about something that has been bothering me lately." In this way, you will give the impression that it is you, not her, who has a problem and you will avoid a possible discussion
Tip:
In case your mother-in-law's problems are related to your culture or your religion, do your best to remain calm. Tell him "I respect his beliefs and I think it is only fair that he respect mine."
Step 2. Treat criticism as advice and respond gently
In case your mother-in-law criticizes your style or your beliefs, take her comments as suggestions and not objective comments. This will undermine your mother-in-law's comments, giving the impression that they are entirely matters of opinion. You will also ease the tension a bit by making it easier to continue the conversation.
Some good answers that will give the impression that there is nothing more to say are "I guess I'll have to consider it", "That's an interesting perspective" and "I understand your point of view, let me think about it."
Step 3. Call her attention when she goes overboard as a way to set limits
In case your mother-in-law makes comments or criticisms of you about something that has to do with your religion, culture, political beliefs or class, call her attention to establish a firm limit. Consistently showing her that you are unwilling to tolerate her comments will force her to confront and defend her unfair beliefs. If he doesn't want to, which is the most likely reaction, he will just let the sensitive issues be.
You must do it firmly, but with respect. For example, if your mother-in-law tells you to start going to church, you can say, "I do not criticize your religious beliefs and you have no right to criticize mine. I will not tolerate putting me down. Please stop now. same and we can move on. "
Method 5 of 5: Dealing with Parenting Problems
Step 1. Ask her for parenting advice, even if you don't intend to follow it
Your mother-in-law has a great deal of experience raising children. She may be misbehaving because she thinks you're disrespecting her by ignoring her or not asking for advice. Ask him how he would handle teaching his children to swim or finding a preschool program. Even if you don't follow her advice, she may relax when she realizes that her opinion matters.
Tip:
Give him some small wins! In case I tell you that ginger ale is better for runny noses than tea, just bite the bullet and give your child some ginger ale. This will give you some room to maneuver when it comes to big decisions.
Step 2. Find a way to agree with your mother-in-law's comments, even if it's critical
You can quickly appease a comment like "You must find a good private school" with a simple "I'll keep that in mind!" or "Education is important. We will think about it." In this way, you minimize the subtext of their comments by making them appear to be non-problems.
In case he ever says something you agree with, bring it up. You can respond to a comment like "Your kids are growing up fast!" with a simple "The truth is that yes!"
Step 3. Consider restraining your instructions for caring for your children
If you leave a long list of requirements and instructions to your mother-in-law to take care of your children, it is possible that, she will feel excessively controlled. It is clear that your mother-in-law did a good job raising your spouse and therefore you should try to trust her. While it can be scary to leave your children with other people when they are young, she may feel like you are disrespecting her if you leave her a long list of tasks or warnings.
Advice
- If all else fails and the matter really gets out of hand, you can always move further away from her in a way that makes it harder for her to interfere.
- If your spouse does not support or defend you, this is an indication that both of you have a bigger problem. Consider seeing a marriage counselor to get started on your problems.
- In case you call your mother-in-law "Mom" or "Mother," stop immediately. This may give her a false sense of intimacy that makes her feel critical, rude, or downright mean is acceptable.