Regardless of the reason your mother-in-law moved into your house, it is clear that you are at a point where you want her to move to another place. Maybe you just want to spend more time with your family, that is, your spouse and children, or maybe living with your mother-in-law seems stressful. You may have fallen into the role of your mother-in-law's caretaker, which puts you in a difficult position. Either way, it is going to be difficult to ask her to move, mainly because that implies that your wife could become sensitive and both of you should share the same vision.
Part 1 of 4: Talk to Your Spouse
Step 1. Ask him to sit with you
Tell her you'd like to have a serious talk about your mother-in-law, and ask her when would be a good time to do so. Letting her know in advance that you want to have a serious conversation will prevent you from taking her by surprise when you sit down to chat with her.
- Don't avoid talking about it for too long, as this increases resentment.
- Also, if you wait too long, your stress could look like you are snapping at your spouse, as he or she could be the person you are taking it out on.
Step 2. Tell him what you want
You want your mother-in-law to move somewhere else and you need to be direct about it. However, you should remember that your spouse may not want to hear it, especially if he likes to be around his mother.
- You can say, “Actually, I love your mother very much. However, I think it is time for us to have our own space. I think it is time to ask him to move to another place”.
- Don't forget to give her some time to sink in before telling her why you want her to move elsewhere.
Step 3. Mention any additional work
Make a list of everything else you have to do because your mother-in-law is at the house. You don't have to be evil. It's to show your spouse what it costs to keep your mother-in-law there. They may not realize how burdensome they are to you.
- You don't want to blame your spouse for the extra work. Rather, you want me to be aware.
- For example, you don't want to say, "Your mother represents so much work!"
- Rather, you can say, “I work longer hours now that she's home. I love her very much and I like to do things for her. However, there is so much work to do. You may not realize how much extra I have to do because she's here, so these are some of the things I do for her. "
Step 4. Talk about stress
You should also talk about the stress she causes at home. It may be on purpose, like criticizing your decisions, or it may be unintentional, like his constant presence ruining your sex life.
- Again, say it without blaming your wife. Use first person phrases instead of second person.
- For example, you can say, “I love spending time with your mother. However, sometimes it stresses us as a family. It bothers me when he criticizes our children and we don't have as much privacy as we used to”.
Step 5. Talk about finances
Another important issue to mention is how your mother-in-law affects your finances. If this is your main talking point, then maybe you can talk about a way to mitigate this problem.
If finances are the only reason you want your mother-in-law to move somewhere else and you can afford the extra expenses of keeping her at home, you may not get very far with this argument
Step 6. They must agree on common goals
The point of this conversation is to make sure they share the same vision. This is a sensitive topic, but if your mother-in-law is staying home and this damages your family and your marriage, it is something you should talk about. When they talk, they should agree on common goals.
- Of course, when you agree on common goals, you will have to compromise. For example, a commitment might be to buy a house that has an apartment in the back.
- Set dates for your goals. If your goal is for your mother-in-law to move to another place, what date will she have to do it?
- Talk about how to help her move to another place. Maybe you can help her find a place or with finances, if possible.
Step 7. You must know where your spouse is coming from
When there are parents at home, there is an emotional charge. Your spouse may feel that he is not doing his duty to his mother if he asks him to move to another place. The best thing you can do is commit to something, which may be assisted living living, if you can't keep taking care of it yourself.
Part 2 of 4: Talk to your mother-in-law
Step 1. Sit down together with your spouse and mother-in-law
It is not a conversation that you can have only with your mother-in-law. In fact, it is probably best if your spouse leads the conversation, considering that they know more about it.
If your spouse doesn't share your vision, this conversation is not going to work. They have to work together
Step 2. Tell him what you have decided
Now is the time to talk about the goals you have decided together. You have to make it as courteous as possible, but you can't hide the fact that you are asking him to move somewhere else. It's best to give her more than one option if you can, and try to conclude by giving her good news, if possible.
- For example, you can say, “We have decided that we would like you to move to another location. We really love having you with us and we still want you in our life. However, we need space for our family”.
- Give him a period of time and whatever help you are willing to give him. “We will help you find a place, but we would like you to choose one at the end of the summer. However, we want you to stay close, because we like to be close to you”.
Step 3. You must have compassion
The fact that you are desperate does not give you the right to be evil. Your mother-in-law deserves respect and kindness, even if you ask her for something difficult like moving to another place.
Assure your mother-in-law that you love her very much. Let him know that asking him to move doesn't mean you don't care, and that you want him to be a part of your family. You just want space for your family
Step 4. Give it plenty of time
You don't want to force her to leave in a month. Give them plenty of time to find a new home, especially if money is an issue. Three months is a good amount of time, but half a year could be better.
Part 3 of 4: Provide Solutions
Step 1. Find him a place to live
One way to make this change easier for you is to find options that are within your budget if you have a hard time doing it alone. You must see them before wearing it to see if they suit your taste.
- Make the place close to your home. This way, she won't feel like you want her out of your life entirely.
- Don't decide for her. Even if she needs a little help with her personal care, she must decide where to live, unless she cannot decide at all.
Step 2. Consider a house with a back apartment
Many families live in multi-generational dwellings, which can be varied. One option is to have a separate apartment for your mother-in-law, so she has her own space. If that is the option you choose, you will have to choose a new house that has this option.
- In this example, they will still live close to you, but they will be able to lead more separate lives.
- It can also help you mitigate any guilt your spouse may feel for abandoning their mother.
Step 3. Look at assisted living housing
If you are the one who takes care of your mother-in-law, the next option may be assisted living accommodation. This option will allow your mother-in-law to have some independence, while she receives the care she needs.
The problem is that this option can be very expensive. However, if your mother-in-law has exhausted other options, usually if she has insurance, that could cover some type of assisted living housing
Part 4 of 4: Consider Other Options
Step 1. Use home health care
One option for a mother-in-law who is in poor health is to use home health care. You can hire home health care to accompany your mother-in-law and you can rest a little or you can use it for manual care that you cannot perform.
- However, this option can be expensive to use frequently, so you should consider your financial situation before deciding to use home health care.
- Your mother-in-law may be able to pay for home health care, but many seniors don't like getting outside help, even if they need it.
Step 2. Consider an adult care center
Another option for seniors is an adult care center. In this way, your mother-in-law will attend a center during the day, where they will provide food, activities and sometimes physical therapy.
- However, once, this can also be expensive and your mother-in-law might not be very willing to attend that place.
- The positive side is that it takes up your days to do things outside the home, if you have been staying to take care of your mother-in-law.
Step 3. Ask your family to help you
If your spouse has other siblings, they can help you a bit, even if they can't invite your mother-in-law to live with them. Asking for help can be difficult, but it takes some of the weight off you and your family.
- For example, maybe your family can stay with your mother-in-law from time to time to help you. You could also invite your mother-in-law for a few days, like a week or two, to give you a break.
- Friends from church and other close friends may also be willing to help you one afternoon.
- Your family may be willing to contribute financially. If $ 100 would make a difference in how you feel having her at home, maybe some family members can help you, since they can't take care of her.
Step 4. Ask for space
If your mother-in-law is independent, ask if you can spend time alone with your spouse to improve your marriage. Suggest that she give them some night alone once a week by letting you go out with your spouse or by going out with her.