Finding out that your child does not identify as male or female can be quite overwhelming and there is nothing wrong with feeling confused. Remind your child that you love him unconditionally and thank him for his honesty. If you don't understand what she's going through, find out what it's like to be gender expansive or identify as trans or non-binary. If you want help coping with the transition, seek the guidance of a supportive pediatrician and a therapist who has experience counseling with gender-expansive youth.
Steps
Method 1 of 4: Support Your Child
Step 1. Express your gratitude for having decided to tell you
Try to stay calm and don't yell or get upset. Coming out is scary, and it probably wasn't easy for your child to work up the courage to tell you. When you respond to him on the spot, tell him that you appreciate his honesty.
- Say, “I know this is not easy. Thanks for being honest with me. It is important that we can speak openly and never be afraid to share something with me”.
- If he told you and you have already reacted negatively, ask him to sit down and have a conversation with you. Say “For me it was a lot of information to process and forgive me for reacting in a bad way. I know you had to gather a lot of courage to tell me and I thank you for being honest with me”.
- Be honest with your feelings and assure your child that you love him despite everything.
Step 2. Tell him you love and accept him
Your child may fear that you will stop loving him, so give him peace of mind. Do your best to understand that he is still your child, but that he is a person with his own identity and free will. Even if you are confused or afraid, make it clear that you still love him no matter what.
You may believe or hope that this is a stage and that it will pass. Even if you identify with a gender in the future, allowing you to explore your gender expression is important to your mental health
Step 3. Ask him questions and follow the direction of his answers
Avoid assuming things about her interpretation of being gender non-binary, especially if she is a teenager or young adult. Try not to point it out, rather ask how they would like to express their identity. Let him know that he doesn't have to talk about it if he doesn't want to or if he doesn't know the answer yet.
- Ask him “Do you feel comfortable with your name or have you chosen another name? Do you want me to use other pronouns instead of 'he' or 'she'? " These are, among others, "elle" or "elles".
- Ask her how she wants to express herself as non-binary, for example through her clothes or hairstyle. Ask him “What does it mean to you to express yourself as non-binary? Do you want to be open about it at school and in public or do you need a safe space at home for now?”
- If your child is a teenager or young adult, find out if they have thought ahead. Ask her if she is considering gender-affirming medical treatment or legally changing her gender (if “non-binary” sex is available in your jurisdiction).
- Ask him what you can do to support him. In a sincere and meek way, ask, “What can I do for you? Is there anything in particular that you need from me?
Step 4. Name your child using the pronoun and name he has chosen
As difficult as it may be, referring to him with the pronoun and name of his choice is vitally important. It will take some getting used to, and it's okay if you mess up, especially in the beginning. However, try to understand that your child's experience is legitimate and respecting their needs is important.
- Look at the genre as a radio dial instead of a switch - it's a spectrum. It may be confusing and difficult to process, but some people do not identify with the sex assigned at birth.
- Imagine how you would feel if someone refused to call you with the pronoun and name that you consider correct. Calling your child with the wrong pronoun and name is just as offensive.
Step 5. Let him announce it to others on his own terms
Don't tell anyone without their permission. Ask him how and when he would like to announce it to other family members, at school and in social contexts. Even if you want to support it, don't display your child's non-binary identity.
Let your child announce it to others and make his preference clear on his own terms
Step 6. Learn more about gender diversity
It is common for parents of non-binary children to have questions; there is nothing wrong with being confused. Learn more about gender identities and the differences between sex and gender. You will see that gender is a social construction and that gender identity is not always consistent with the sex assigned at birth.
- Visit the Gender Spectrum website (available in English only) to find information on gender psychology, parenting tips, and personal testimonials written by gender-expansive children and their parents:
- Support groups and a counselor who is knowledgeable about gender identity can also help you find helpful resources.
Step 7. Connect your child with support groups and counseling
For younger children and teens, interacting with people who are going through similar circumstances is comforting. Additionally, parents of other non-binary youth can share their experiences and give you advice. Counseling can also help you and your child accept their gender identity.
- Search online for mental health professionals and support groups for non-binary or trans children and their families. Look for counselors who have experience with and supportive gender-expansive children.
- Remember that seeking counseling does not mean there is something wrong with gender binarism or transsexuality. Avoid using therapy as a means to change or suppress your child's gender identity.
Method 2 of 4: Deal With Your Emotions
Step 1. Take the time to process your pain
Give yourself permission to experience your pain or sadness. It is okay to feel some degree of loss, so grieve, cry, and vent in private to a loved one you trust. Be sorry, but try to focus on helping your child express their authentic self and have their best life.
- Express your emotions, but try not to be too upset in front of your child. Tell him that you need to process your emotions and that you will adjust over time. However, do your best not to make him think that he has completely disappointed you.
- Guilt is also common, but don't blame yourself. Gender diversity is not a disorder and it is not caused by poor parenting. You have done nothing wrong. Your son is the same person he was before I told you and he is still your son.
Step 2. Try not to lose your self-confidence if other people criticize
Talking confidently can prevent family, friends, and acquaintances from criticizing you or your child. If some people act disdainfully, explain that your child's self-perception is legitimate and his well-being is your priority.
- Suppose your assigned male child pretends to be a princess at playtime and a friend or relative shows disapproval. Instead of tolerating criticism or being critical, say something like "Isn't it cool that he's not afraid to be himself."
- Don't feel embarrassed for your child and, unless his or her safety is at risk, don't exclude him from family events. Remember that there is nothing wrong with you or your child. You will be doing the right thing by allowing her to express her true self.
- Be prepared to defend your child if others are harassing or criticizing him in your presence. Think beforehand about what you will do and say so that you are prepared for these types of situations. The way you respond will show your support for him.
Step 3. Talk to other parents of LGBTQ children
Look online for a local support group for friends and family of gender-expansive children. If you're not ready to meet other parents in person, look for online forums, such as Facebook groups. Whether in person or online, listening to the stories of other parents can help you deal with your own emotions.
- Find a local PFLAG branch that can connect you with other parents and loved ones of LGBTQ people: https://www.pflag.org (available in English only).
- Seeking a counselor individually (with your partner or your child's father or mother) can also help you process your emotions.
Method 3 of 4: Raising a Gender Expansive Child
Step 1. Give your child opportunities to explore his gender
Remind him that it is normal and that it is okay if he is confused. Give her a safe space to explore her interests beyond gender stereotypes. Let him play with a wide variety of toys and do various activities, whether it is something "masculine" or "feminine."
- Try to be aware of the child's emotional well-being. For example, if she was assigned the female gender at birth, but wearing dresses greatly displeases her, do not force her to wear female clothing.
- You may find it more comfortable to let your child explore their gender expression at home alone, especially at first. If the majority of people in your area are intolerant of LGBTQ people, ask yourself if letting your child explore their gender publicly is safe.
Step 2. Explain gently that some people may not accept it
Try not to scare your child or make him feel like there is something wrong with him. Make it clear to him that you love him no matter what, and that he will meet a lot of people who will understand him. However, tell him that some people could be mean and that you always run into a bully at some point or another.
- Say “People expect boys and girls to behave in certain ways or to play with certain toys. It's not bad if you don't want to play with toys or wear the clothes that people expect. For many people it is not a problem, but some can be very bad”.
- Remind him that “Everyone is bullied at some point. If someone makes fun of you, don't let them make you feel bad. Do your best to ignore it, try to stay calm and seek help from an adult. "
- As a parent, it is difficult to know that your child could run into adverse situations. Prepare it carefully when you express your first urges to explore your gender identity. As you age, realize that repressing your identity can be even more painful than being bullied. Encourage your child to develop support systems early so they always have people to turn to.
Step 3. Watch and wait, but provide safe spaces for exploration
Raising a gender-expansive child is tricky. Your feelings are legitimate, but you may not have the emotional or cognitive maturity to understand or make long-term decisions. While you should still let her explore her gender, refrain from long-term social or physical transitions.
- Children develop at different rates. There is no specific age when one begins to make informed decisions. A caring pediatrician and counselors can help you determine when to take important steps, such as when to report it to your school or consider hormone therapy.
- For example, let your male assigned sex child play with dolls if he wants, and don't force your female assigned daughter to wear dresses. However, in most cases you should wait to make a social transition until you and your counselor determine that your son or daughter has reached an appropriate level of development.
- In some cases, there are 3- to 4-year-old children who suffer from gender dysphoria, or distress caused by the conflict between their gender identity and assigned sex. For children with gender dysphoria, the “watch and wait” approach can be traumatizing. A counselor can help you decide if openly transitioning might be healthier for your youngest child.
Step 4. Seek professional guidance if you are concerned about your child's health
Watch for sudden changes in behavior, destructive behavior, changes in sleeping or eating habits, anxiety, or problems in school. If you show these signs or seem sad or withdrawn constantly, you could be suffering from gender dysphoria. Contact your pediatrician or child psychologist to discuss any concerns about your child's physical or mental health.
Gender nonconformity is not a disorder. However, living with a gender that is inconsistent with your personal identity can cause anxiety and depression, and even harm yourself. Your child's pediatrician and counselor can help you cope and give you advice to meet his needs
Method 4 of 4: Help a Non-Binary Teen
Step 1. Keep lines of communication open with your teen
Try to have quality conversations with him every day. They have opportunities to chat while you take him to school or home, over breakfast, and at meal times as a family. Ask him open-ended questions and give him your undivided attention when he speaks.
- An open-ended question requires more than a "yes" or "no" answer, for example, "What was the most interesting thing you learned today?"
- Issues like bullying or sexuality are difficult to deal with and can be particularly sensitive for a non-binary teenager. By creating a strong bond of trust, your teen may feel more comfortable talking about sensitive topics with you.
Step 2. Ask her about her body image
Try to notice if your child seems restless or anxious about his body. From time to time, ask her how she feels about her body and if it conflicts with her perception of identity. Some non-binary tweens and teens have a hard time coping with the physical changes that occur during adolescence.
- This can be an uncomfortable topic to talk about, but try to be compassionate. You can bring it up by saying, “It is difficult for any teenager to go through puberty and see their body change. It can be even more difficult if the body does not match self-perception”.
- Ask him questions, but try not to make him feel singled out. You can say, “How do you feel about your body? I know it is an uncomfortable subject, but remember that I am here for you if you want to talk about something”.
- If you are not comfortable with your body, suggest practical solutions. For example, they can be clothes that flatten your chest and wax your facial hair with wax or tweezers.
Step 3. Cooperate with your child's teachers and principal if they are open at school
If your child has announced his gender status or wants to do so, discuss it with the school's counselor and principal. Ask them what the environment is like among the students, about the safety of your child and what they do to educate the students about the LGBTQ issue.
- Additionally, you or your child can write a letter to the school administration informing the staff of your child's preferred name and pronoun.
- Keep in mind that a gender-expansive youth support group can help your teen cope with adversity at school.
- If you live in an area that is intolerant of LGBTQ people and you believe that your child's safety could be at risk, communicate your concerns. Say gently, “I understand this is difficult, but please remember that your safety comes first. I love you and I don't want you to end up hurt. I can't stop you from expressing what you are, but our community is not as tolerant as other places. "
Step 4. Consult with medical professionals about gender-affirming treatments
Some non-binary people take hormone blockers to delay puberty or alter estrogen and testosterone levels. If your child is interested in hormonal treatments, discuss the risks and benefits with your pediatrician.
- A pediatrician and mental health professional with experience in gender dysphoria can help you and your child decide if hormone therapy is the right path to follow.
- Hormonal treatments can be applied by injection, topically, or orally. Side effects depend on the treatment regimen, but may include, but are not limited to, decreased bone density, weight gain, changes in mood, and pain or irritation at the injection site.
- If you need help paying for treatments, look online for LGBTQ charities that offer grants for hormone therapy.
Advice
- It is normal for parents of LGBTQ youth to fear that their children will be bullied or harmed. While you can give them your guidance, it is not possible to control their identity and how they express themselves. It may be difficult, but you have to accept your child for who he is.
- A negative reaction can be traumatic. Even if you are confused or do not approve, remind your child that you love him. Remember that he is still your son despite his gender identity.
- If you use the wrong pronoun or name by mistake, just correct yourself and move on with the conversation.