Has mom or dad gone to defend peace in another part of the world? Did you move to the other side of the country for a new job? Regardless of the reason, it can be difficult to explain the absence of a parent to children when you are the spouse who has been left with the task of caring for them. The correct approach depends on the reason behind the absence, the possible outcomes, and the age and maturity levels of the children.
Steps
Method 1 of 2: approach the issue based on the circumstances
Step 1. Be honest about a parent who has never been involved
If your child has never met his or her parent, or if he or she has been absent for a long time, be prepared to receive a lot of questions. Your child will probably want to know who his father is, where he is, and why he is not involved. Questions about an absent parent will likely start when your child starts school and begins to learn more about their peers' families.
- Answer the basic questions about who the absent parent is and consider sharing a photo if you have one.
- Tell your child that all families are different and remind him that there are many people who love him. Try using examples from books and movies, or from real life, to teach children about different types of families.
- Be direct about the likelihood that your child will one day meet his or her parent. If he or she has no interest in getting involved or you can't reach him / her, don't give your child hope by promising a possible reunion. Make sure to emphasize that this is in no way her fault.
- Save your personal feelings as much as possible. You can share more details about the circumstances of the parent's absence as your child grows older, but try not to say negative things about him or her.
Step 2. Prepare your child for work-related absences in advance
If the absence is predictable and regular, tell your child when their parent will be back by showing them a calendar and discussing it together. Discuss regular trips as a family, so that it becomes a normal expectation within the family and so that all members of the family can be prepared for the father or mother to miss special events, such as parties and occasions of celebration, and so that they are prepared well in advance.
- If business trips generally occur with little advance warning, be sure to explain this as well so there are no surprises.
- Help your child stay in touch with the absent parent by arranging phone calls or video calls. You can also encourage the absent parent to bring the child a souvenir from their travels.
Step 3. Explain military absences based on advice given by deployment officers
Be sure to give your child a chance to express her feelings and concerns, and offer lots of support.
- Be as honest as your child's age allows. A one to two year old just needs to know that dad will be back before Christmas, while a teenager will need to know the truth about the length of deployment and where the father or mother will be.
- Include your child in your communications with the absent parent, including letters and phone calls, as much as possible. If normal contact is not possible, explain to the child that his mom or dad really wants to talk to him, but can't because of work.
Step 4. Explain sudden absences based on what happened and your child's age
Regardless of the reason behind the absence, be sure to make it clear that it is not the child's fault. Younger children in particular may feel that they are responsible for the absence if you do not assure them otherwise.
- If the absence is unpredictable (if, for example, one of the parents is in the hospital after an accident), explain to the child what happened, give a generous estimate of when Mommy or Daddy will return, and keep your child informed about progress and date changes.
- Try to make your child not worry. Answer their questions and make sure they understand the situation, but don't provide details that could further confuse them.
Step 5. Be honest if the absence is forever
Make sure to tell your child that the absence has nothing to do with him and answer his questions honestly.
- If a parent has separated from the marriage and family, you have to be honest without letting anger get in the way. For example, you could say, “Dad loves you but he wasn't happy with his life, so he went to live in Las Vegas. We will try to keep in touch with him, but it will be difficult at times. I can give you his address if you want to write to him and see how he is. "
- If one of the parents dies, be open and honest, encourage the child to express his emotions and help him to cope with the pain in the best way you can.
Method 2 of 2: Support Your Child Through Absence
Step 1. Spend extra time with your child
While you shouldn't try to replace the father who is not there, you can try to fill out some of his papers. If the absence is permanent, you might consider getting more involved in some of the special activities that the absent parent used to get involved with. If the absence is temporary, maintain your own style and be considerate about telling your child that some activities are reserved for the parent, in order to keep those things special and to ensure that their sacredness is maintained. link.
Step 2. Encourage contact
If the absence is short-term, encourage the absent parent to stay in contact with the child through phone calls, video calls, letters, and emails as much as possible. Remind your child that the father or mother is still a part of their life even if they are far away. If the absence is long-term, try to encourage some level of contact if possible, even if it's just an occasional phone call or letter.
- Let older children decide for themselves how often they want to communicate with a parent who will be absent for the long term.
- Try to tell the absent parent that the contact is very important and that it would mean a lot to the child, even if they are not closely related.
Step 3. Share memories
Whether one of the child's parents has died or is permanently absent for another reason, share positive memories of the absent parent. Your child will likely have questions about what their parent was like, especially if the absence started when they were very young. Answer these questions to the best of your ability, but keep the tone positive.
Step 4. Answer the questions and tell the truth
That does not mean that the child has to know all the details about the life of the father or mother, but do not tell white lies to make him feel better about the situation. If the parent is dealing with a problem like a drug addiction and you feel like the child is too young to hear these specific details, just say something general, like “Mom is dealing with personal problems, but that doesn't mean not think of you"
Step 5. Avoid hostility
Regardless of how you might feel about the absent parent, try not to express negative emotions to your child. It is he who must decide how he wants to feel about the absent father or mother. Trying to turn your child against a parent can lead to behavior problems.
Step 6. Offer your child access to counseling
All children are different, and some may benefit from talking to a professional about how they feel about the absence of a parent. You should definitely encourage him to participate in counseling if you notice any change in your child's behavior that you suspect could be related to the absence.