A marital separation is never easy. Both you and your wife will feel strong emotions, and they may cry and get too angry. However, you will need to be fully committed to the separation to do so successfully. As with any separation, you will need to begin to separate your financial situation and discuss custody of your children.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Telling Your Wife You Want to Separate
Step 1. Make the decision to separate
You must be sure that you want to separate before informing your wife. It is likely to be a sensitive conversation. For this reason, you may want to retract. Before even mentioning separation, you have to be sure that this is what you really want.
- Remember that separation does not automatically mean a divorce. Instead, a breakup could be a way for the two of you to have another perspective on your relationship.
- They can also "legally separate." A legal separation is a type of long-term separation where you remain married. However, you and your wife will no longer be jointly responsible for finances and debts. For all intents and purposes, they will live as a divorced couple.
Step 2. Think about the details of the separation
Parting is not as easy as walking out the door. You should think about exactly what will happen before breaking the news to your wife. For example, you should consider the following:
- Do you want to stay home or do you want your wife to leave? If you go, where will you go? Does he have a place to go if you ask him to leave?
- Do you want the separation to be temporary or permanent?
- Do you have access to important information and documents, such as proof of birth, information from your financial account, among others? You must have this information first.
- Do you want to stay with your children? If so, you should not leave the house. Usually you need a judge's order so you can take your children out of the house.
Step 3. Write something you can use
You will probably feel nervous when you tell your wife that you want to separate. For this reason, you should have a script where you tell your spouse why you are leaving and also what you expect from the separation.
- Focus on using first person statements rather than second person. For example, saying "I think I have changed" is better than saying "You are not the woman I thought you were."
- Focus on why her marriage is not working for you and why you are leaving. For example, you could say, “I've been married since I was 22 and I think I need to find out what I really want. I think that will only happen if I spend time on my own. "
- Avoid trying to convince her that this is a good idea for her, too. You can't speak for her. For this reason, avoid saying "You must take this time to find out if you are happy." Instead, focus on your reasons for breaking up.
Step 4. Schedule a time to talk
It's better to schedule a specific time to talk about the breakup rather than blurt out that you want to break up in the middle of a fight. Say, “We need to talk about something important. Is this a good time to do it? If not, ask him to schedule a time to talk.
- If you fear that your wife will attack you physically, it is best to schedule a conversation in public. People tend to control themselves better if there are more people around them.
- Keep in mind that it may take a long time for her to process what you say. For this reason, they will likely need to talk more than once to deal with the details of their breakup.
Step 5. Give him the news
Try not to get defensive or aggressive when you tell him that you want to break up. Instead, remember to follow the script slowly and pause to gauge their reaction. They may go into a state of shock and not really listen to what you are saying.
For example, you could say, “Maria, I need time to find out how I feel about our marriage. I believe that a separation will allow me to have another perspective of our relationship and what I want. Maybe if we live apart for a while, we can work things out. "
Step 6. Don't interrupt her
You should listen to what they say in response to your request. If he must vent, let him do it. Also, if you think he's holding back what he's feeling, you could say, "I'm willing to listen to anything you want to say."
- If you interrupt someone, you are invalidating what they feel. Your wife's resentment could be made worse if she feels you are trying to silence her. Let her talk and make eye contact with her when she does.
- Remember that separating is a process (you will probably see your wife often in the months and years to come, even if you don't have children). It is better that you try to be understanding so that the separation happens as calmly as possible.
Step 7. Tell your children
Many couples never tell their children that they are separating, especially if they are very young. However, you must tell yours. Remember to follow the following rules:
- Don't blame anyone. You should not blame your wife for the separation. Don't tell them, "Their mother has made it impossible for me to stay." Instead, you could say, "I have to go for a while to think about things."
- Don't give them too much detail. Your kids don't have to know the details of why their marriage isn't working. In fact, the more things they know, the more damage they will suffer.
- Avoid asking them who they want to stay with.
- Tell them that you love them and that you will stay in touch with them. Tell them where you are staying and that you hope to see them soon.
Step 8. Leave, at least temporarily
It's probably easier to be the one to leave the house. After talking about why you want to split up, you should go. Give your wife your phone number so she can talk to you.
- Make sure you don't walk away with something that belongs to both of you. She may think that you are trying to permanently deprive her of it if you do.
- Instead, pack your clothes and personal items, like toiletries or whatever you are going to need for a week.
Step 9. Plan to go to therapy if necessary
Because of the emotional damage that a family separation can cause, you should consider going to therapy before, during, or after the separation. Therapy can help the family cope with guilt, depression, and anxiety. You should also consider going to therapy as an alternative to separation.
- You can get referrals from a couples or family therapist by asking your doctor.
- Some websites, like Psychology Today, have search engines that you can use. Enter your city or zip code to find out which therapists are in your area.
Part 2 of 3: Managing finances
Step 1. Make a budget
Separating from a spouse almost always reduces income and increases expenses. Therefore, you should create a budget, preferably before you part ways. You can make one with your wife. However, since you will live alone, you must take control of financial decisions on your own.
- Check all sources of income. If you are going to stay with your children, it is certain that they will have alimony from your wife. However, it may take some time to get established. You should also be able to support yourself as best you can without depending on your spouse.
- Examine your expenses carefully. If car insurance, food and entertainment expenses used to be split, now you are fully responsible for it. Your individual expenses could increase as a result.
Step 2. Save money
You will need to have savings to adjust to your single life. Ideally, you should save at least three months of your expenses. This amount will give you time to settle into your new life.
Step 3. Cancel any credit cards you have in conjunction with your wife
The balance on these types of cards is usually the responsibility of both. You must ensure that no charges are added to any card. Call your company and request that no new charges be allowed. If necessary, you can cancel any that have.
Try to get a credit card in your own name. Don't use a card in both of your names after you split up
Step 4. Close joint bank accounts
Once you have decided to separate, it is best that your wife does not empty the joint bank account that they have. For this reason, you should quickly close the account or request that both people sign in order to withdraw money.
- Call the bank and ask how you can limit withdrawals. Also, cancel reservation lines or credit lines.
- Make sure to transfer any direct deposit to a new bank account. This may take a while, so start as soon as you can.
- If you need your wife to agree to close the account, you should find a good time to talk and discuss the issue with her. You could say, “Since we are living apart, I think it would be better for both of us to have our own bank account. In this way, we will have a better idea of our expenses. I have spoken with the bank and we need to both sign a form”.
Part 3 of 3: Addressing the Legal Issues
Step 1. Consult with a family attorney
There are several legal issues involved in a separation. You will be advised to meet with a family attorney to discuss the separation. Every separation is different, and only a qualified attorney can identify and distinguish legal issues.
- To find a family lawyer, contact your local or state bar association and ask for a reference.
- Once you have the name of the attorney, you should call and make an appointment. Ask in advance what their rate is.
Step 2. Talk about child custody
You and your wife should discuss who will take care of your children. It is generally best for the stay-at-home parent to watch the children, as there is unlikely to be a good reason to remove the children from a family environment.
- It may be easier to leave the house, but you want to have custody of the children later. In this situation, you must be close to them.
- Make sure you visit them regularly and have them spend an evening with you frequently. In fact, you and your wife must have a temporary custody agreement. It doesn't have to be particularly detailed, but it should state when each parent will have custody of the children.
- You and your wife can also agree to split your time around the house. For example, both of you could rent an apartment in the city. Monday through Thursday, you could stay in the apartment while your wife stays at the house. From Friday to Sunday, you could stay at the house while your wife is in the apartment.
Step 3. Calculate the alimony expenses
If you are not going to be the one to take care of the children, then you should give them alimony. You should do it even if they are not divorced. There is no way to avoid paying alimony, so you can try to calculate how much you will have to pay each month.
- There are several online calculators that you can use to calculate monthly expenses. You must enter information about your salary and the number of children you have for the calculator to estimate the expenses.
- Review how to calculate alimony for more information.
Step 4. Get a restraining order if necessary
Maybe your wife has abused you or your children. In this case, you will need to get a restraining order. You can get one, also called a restraining order, by going to court and asking for an application.
Check out how to get a protection order for more information
Step 5. Decide if you will be legally separated
Sometimes a separation is temporary, but other times it can be permanent. In some places, you can get a “legal separation,” which is like being divorced, even though you remain legally married. If you are legally separated, your assets and debts will be divided as is done in divorces. An agreement is also reached on the custody of the children. You should discuss this option with your attorney and identify your reasons for seeking legal separation.
- You may want to remain married, but be legally separated if either of you has any religious objection to divorce.
- A legal separation can also be helpful if either of you needs to be on the other person's insurance or if either of you is close to qualifying for Social Security spouse benefits.
Step 6. Write a marriage separation agreement
They can start the legal separation process with a marital separation agreement, which is like a divorce agreement. In it, you and your wife will agree on the division of assets, debts, alimony for children and spousal maintenance (alimony). While they can create a marital separation agreement if they are going to separate temporarily, it is more common for people to choose to separate permanently.
- The marriage separation agreement becomes a contract between you. If someone fails to comply, the other person can sue him in court.
- Each should have their attorney write and review the agreement.