Infidelity is a major betrayal and there are no guarantees that your relationship can be fixed after cheating. However, some relationships can survive and, with work, even grow stronger. The couple can learn from each other, their values and the importance of the relationship in their lives. The road to recovery involves both, in which both parties must be committed to learning from betrayal, offering and accepting forgiveness, and re-committing to each other to stay together. However, although both parties must participate, the path begins with the one who was unfaithful.
If you have cheated on your partner, you will need to offer a sincere and full apology.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Prepare to Apologize
Step 1. Determine the reason you cheated
The first thing to understand is that cheating often means that there is something wrong with the person cheating (or something lacking). The goal is to know what the problem is, so once you and your partner get over the initial trauma of your actions, you can decide how to address the problem. Consider the following questions:
- Do you feel insecure or unattractive?
- Do you find that something is missing in your relationship?
- Are you satisfied with your sex life?
- Are you (or were you, at the time of the infidelity) particularly stressed by some aspect of your life?
- Even if it's the first time you've cheated on your partner, have you thought about it or wanted to cheat on her for some time?
Step 2. Determine if you really want to stay with your partner
Based on your personal analysis from the previous step, you need to seriously think about whether you are truly committed to staying with your partner.
- You hurt your partner and that is why they deserve your apologies, even if they finally decide to separate.
- If you decide to stay together and try to get over the betrayal, the road will not necessarily be smooth, so if you are not fully committed, you should not let your partner go through it.
Step 3. Spend some time writing about your relationship
To help you figure out if you are interested in continuing the relationship, consider writing down your reasons: Why do you want to continue the relationship?
Try to be as specific as possible. Hopefully, you still love your partner (that should definitely go on your list), but it's a very vague feeling. What do you love about him or her? What do you enjoy about the relationship? How do you see the future together?
Step 4. Understand what you are apologizing for
You were obviously unfaithful and you will have to apologize for it. However, you should let your partner know that you fully understand how and in what ways you hurt her. Be prepared to express the specific ways in which you damaged your relationship.
Not only did you cheat on your partner, but you betrayed her trust, destroyed her idea of the relationship, (maybe) embarrassed her, and possibly put her at risk of contracting some sexually transmitted disease
Part 2 of 3: Offer a Full and Sincere Apology
Step 1. Keep it private
You may be tempted to publicly humiliate yourself by apologizing to your partner. For example, you might think your partner will be moved by your willingness to expose yourself to shame and judgment by posting a lengthy apology on your Facebook wall. However, all of this puts you at the center and makes a personal matter public.
You should think twice about sending bouquets or apology gifts to your partner's work. That will only attract the attention of your co-workers (who will want to know what the occasion is) and your partner may not want to talk about the problems of their relationship at that moment, in that place and with those people
Step 2. Accept responsibility for your actions when you apologize
It is important that you understand the reason why you committed the infidelity. However, an explanation is not the same as a justification. Your partner needs to know that you are not trying to excuse yourself or justify your behavior.
Even if there are underlying problems in the relationship (for which both of you are responsible), only you are responsible for having cheated on your partner. Your goal in this conversation is to make sure he hears you accept your mistake
Step 3. Avoid using the word "yes."
You have not fully accepted responsibility if you use sentences like "Sorry if I hurt you" or "If you hadn't rejected me so many times I wouldn't have had to seek an affair." These kinds of prayers will make your partner feel like you don't acknowledge your part of the blame.
Instead of saying "Sorry if I hurt you," acknowledge the fact that you are the direct cause of your partner's suffering: "My actions hurt you and I'm sorry for it."
Step 4. Prepare for the tough questions
Whether your partner caught you on the spot, discovered the evidence of your affair, or you confessed, chances are he or she has a lot of questions.
- Your partner will want to know the details of your affair: how you met that person, how often you were together, why you decided to walk away, whether or not you love the other person, etc.
- If you shut down now and refuse to answer your partner's questions, you will create a gap between the two of you. This will lead to increased mistrust and hurt your ability to communicate openly and honestly with one another.
Step 5. Answer honestly, but without hurting
You should avoid vague and elusive responses, but there is no reason for you to go into excessive or explicit detail about your encounters. For example, if she asks you what you found attractive about your lover, don't answer, "Well, she has a model's body and the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen."
- If your partner continues to push for details, you should be honest, but also careful to formulate your response: "I think she's attractive, but that doesn't justify my transgression."
- Certainly, you should avoid comparing your partner to your lover when answering their questions. Don't say: "She is much more open and generous than you." This will only hurt your partner and, of course, take responsibility away from you.
Step 6. Realize that your partner may not be totally rational during this discussion
Even if your partner has known about your affair for some time before making this formal apology, you shouldn't expect (or demand) that the conversation be calm and rational. Emotions can be unpredictable, and you can't dictate how he should feel or respond to his apology.
If things get too emotional, you may need to give your partner some time and space to process before trying to finish offering your apology
Step 7. Offer an unconditional apology
Because your betrayal hurt your partner, you owe him an apology regardless of whether he chooses to stay with you or not.
You shouldn't decide to apologize only if she is willing to forgive you or get back with you. Your apology is not sincere if there are conditions involved
Step 8. Offer your apology without waiting for him to accept you back
You are deeply sorry for what you have done, and you might think that if you could make your partner see how sorry you are and how much it hurts, they will accept you back. This is natural, but you can't think that as long as you do everything right by apologizing, things will work out.
You can't control whether your partner will be able to forgive you, and even if they could, they may not trust you again
Step 9. Let your partner know your expectations
Even if you don't apologize for your partner to get back with you, it's perfectly okay to let them know that you hope they will forgive you or that you want the relationship to last.
For example, try something like the following: “Patricia, I know that my actions hurt you deeply and that I have damaged your confidence. I am sorry for it. I hope you can forgive me. I am willing to do whatever it takes to restore your faith in me. But even if you can't commit to that, I hope you can believe how sorry I am. "
Step 10. Listen to your partner
After you've apologized, they may not want to talk to you. If that's the case, you will have to respect their wish. However, this apology is not about you, but about your partner. If you want or need to air out and express your feelings, let her.
Make it clear to your partner that you listen to her and that you understand the point where you hurt her. Don't interrupt her while she's talking to try to justify or explain your actions
Step 11. Show respect towards your partner and towards yourself
Cheating on your partner is painful and disrespectful and you should try to make amends. Listening carefully and fully to your partner is a way to show respect for them. However, while it is very important that you allow your partner to express themselves, you should not tolerate abuse on their part.
- Although you were wrong to be unfaithful, nothing justifies the abuse, so be prepared to leave if your partner becomes violent or abusive verbally or emotionally.
- If the discussion becomes very risque, try to respond as follows: “I understand why you are upset, but your language at the moment is not acceptable. Let's talk later, maybe it will help if we go to counseling together. "
Part 3 of 3: Keep going
Step 1. Cut off communication with your lover
Obviously, your infidelity has affected you and your partner. However, don't forget that by being unfaithful you have brought someone else into their lives. For your relationship to have a chance to last, your partner should not fear that you will cheat on her again (with anyone, but specifically with that person).
- Your partner may want to get involved with this step, as they may want to be certain that you are really done with that person.
- You should contact the other person, explain that you made the wrong decisions, and make it clear that you will not continue to see them romantically.
- Whatever you do, don't promise your partner that you won't see your lover again and secretly see her again, even if it's just to say goodbye. Be sincere when you promise to cut ties.
Step 2. Set clear boundaries with your ex lover if you can't get her out of your life
It may not be possible to completely sever ties with your lover if you were unfaithful to a colleague or someone you cannot avoid in any way. If that's the case, then you should have a plan about how and when you will deal with your ex-lover.
- Limit your contact with your ex-lover as much as possible. You may need to communicate professionally in a business meeting with that person, but they shouldn't go out for lunch together.
- Make sure to assure your partner that the relationship will never become inappropriate again.
Step 3. Keep the lines of communication open with your partner
You will not be able to place a band-aid on this situation. To fix it, you will have to re-prove your love, which means you have to deal with your partner's lack of trust for a long period of time. This may mean that you will have to accept having less privacy and will have to be willing to share the details of your day with your partner.
- For example, your partner may want to have access to your social networks, your phone and your email. Consider granting them this access. If you don't, your partner will think you are hiding something. If you are unwilling to make this concession, then you should reconsider whether the relationship is worth saving (or consider whether may survive).
Step 4. Give your partner reasons to trust you
Understandably, your partner may have trouble trusting you for some time. Maybe for you it is not very important if you are a little late to each, but remember that you start from scratch. You must be totally trustworthy.
- If you say that you will be home at 11:00, then you should be at 11:00 and not at 11:15.
- Similarly, you should be willing to contact your partner if you are going to be late or if plans have changed, and if possible, if your partner asks you, you should be willing to get home early.
Step 5. Understand that you will now be in a new relationship
If your partner decides to give you another chance, you can't expect things to go back to the way they were. Essentially, you will be starting over, and creating a new relationship together. You and your partner have been changed by this experience, and you will have to learn to adapt to it.
Step 6. Be patient
You cannot control how long it will take for your partner to forgive you and get over the betrayal. Certainly, things will be fine for a while, but suddenly your partner will be upset and suspicious again. If you try to get over it too quickly and demand that things get back to normal in no time, your partner will feel like you don't respect her.
- If the relationship is worth saving to you, then you must prepare to allow your partner to suffer as long as they need and you must also be willing to suffer relapses.
- You cannot control how long it will take for your partner to overcome his anger and pain, but you can control yourself: you can be constant and reliable and thus you will demonstrate your repentance and commitment to your partner.
Step 7. Be open to counseling
It is not absolutely necessary for you and your partner to seek professional help for your relationship to survive infidelity. However, there is little chance that your relationship will be harmed as a result of going to counseling, and instead there is a good chance that it will improve. Consequently, you don't have much to lose.
- As a neutral (and expert) third party, a counselor or therapist can provide a safe space for both of you to express yourself and examine your relationship. You can also help them come up with a specific action plan and assess their progress.
- By offering to go to counseling, you also send the message to your partner that you are fully committed to repairing the damage you did and doing what you can to regain their trust.
Step 8. Be a diligent student in counseling
Of course, if you go to counseling, you must be fully engaged in the process. It is not enough to simply go to the therapist's office once or twice a week, but you should also wait for your partner to say everything they have to say.
Answer the questions from the therapist and your partner fully and honestly. Put all your effort into doing the exercises proposed or the tasks related to the relationship
Step 9. Protect yourself during the process
Even if you've taken the difficult step of admitting your mistake and working to save your relationship (which requires you to give in to a certain amount of freedom and privacy), be careful not to make concessions that fundamentally change who you are or violate your integrity.
- If you feel like you are losing yourself in the process of getting your partner back or feeling abused, it is time to reassess the relationship.
- Perhaps you need to accept that it is time to move on or, if you haven't already, seek professional help.